12 days until my 28th Birthday

Ahh...I am cringing...

I'd have sworn I would be a Mom by now..I hope and pray that I am a Mother this year..I have literally 3 months to get pregnant in order to have a 2009 baby..

Missing My Angel

Tonight is not a good night. Tonight is a night that comes in full rush, it comes occassionally but when it comes it hurts.
Tonight I miss my angel. The life that was growing inside me for such a short while, but I miss all the things my angel would have been, my child.

I often think of how I would be feeling right now. I can't believe I would have been 15 weeks and 2 days, knowing that breaks my heart. Just a few more weeks and I would have known what gender my baby was. I would've been able to pick out nursery decor, pick out names and by now I would be feeling my baby kick.

Instead I have an empty womb...and the only thing I feel is kicks to my heart.

I never in a million years thought that my first child would never even make it into this world..I never thought I would be a mommy to an angel.

Sometimes I feel like such an ass for feeling this way, when my miscarriage was so early on, but other times I feel like because I have gone through so much to have conceived that child, for it to be taken away is so painful...

Tonight is not a good night..I was reading one of my favorite authors book of poetry and I can't help but recite these few words:

Miracle- by Jewel Kilcher

Listen!

Do you hear it?
I do
I can feel it.
I expect a miracle is coming.
It has set loose this restlessness
inside of me.

Expect it.
Dream about it.
Give birth to it in your being.
Know! Something good
is coming down the line.
Finding its way to you
like all things find their way
to god's chidren.

Listen!

Goodbye Clomid, Hello Synthroid

For now at least...

The appointment with the Endocrinologist went much better than I had anticipated. He went over my bloodwork, did a sonogram of my thyroid which I have now named Spongebob. I will explain in a minute.

Dr. Perky as I love to call him...Perkelvald is his real name, but I just love the sound of Dr. Perky. Anyway the Perkman was undeniably wonderful today. I just love that Dr and feel so blessed to be able to work with him...he's done wonders for my Mother's diabetes.

Anyway, so Perky isn't too happy with my Antibodies..he said too many of them are working overtime and it is time to lay them off and have them unemployed (lmao) I swear his analogies always make me chuckle, today he used Billionaire and Gov. Spitzer when referring to my Thyroid...Love the man.

So Perky says although my TSH is in normal range it is too high for his liking. 3.39, is not good in TTC world, so the goal is to get to 1-2.

Perkster gave me some Synthroid. I will gobble that up tomorrow morning, and every morning thereafter.

Perky says I am retaining water due to my antibodies and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis..can you believe I am BOTH Graves Disease and Hashi, except my Graves antibodies aren't as strong as they used to be and Hashi has kicked it's ass..hence my beautiful weight gain..
Fuck you Hashi!

Actually I prefer Hashi over Graves, but since I have both, it's a freakin party up in my thyroid.

Oh yes, Spongebob...apparently my Thyroid is spongelike because the antibodies are attacking it..

I pray Synthroid helps me...

I asked the dr, if they have Antibodies that attack Fat, cause I would so love some of those..
he said "KellyAnne, I think you may be on to something"

I should have been a Doctor, why didn't I stick to THAT plan..ugh.

Untitled

I woke up this morning to bleeding. I couldn't help but feel an emptiness in my heart. I obviously expected this since my levels dropped but I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for how you feel once it really does happen. The bleeding confirms what the tests show, it tells you there is no hope, the test wasn't wrong, you really are no longer pregnant.

I spent the day sleeping. Cristian kept trying to wake me up but I wanted to be alone. This morning we had an ordeal with the baby (Our dog Daisy) Her belly was hurting and she was whimpering. She is going through her first period and Cris kept saying it was cramps, I knew better. He rushed her over to the vet and after x-rays and blood work and a nice bill of $433.00 we found out she had a huge gas bubble..

I think that had to be the most expensive fart in history. At least she keeps me smiling and my husband is the best husband in the entire world.

Broken

I feel like an idiot. Because I was always the type who thought getting over such an early miscarriage has to be an easy thing. Maybe for some people it is, and I was foolish to think I would be one of those people.

Although I am still pregnant at the moment, knowing this is ending, and having time to prepare for it doesn't offer much solace at all. Having spent so long trying to become pregnant, it became a way of life for me, TTC became who I was. I was no longer Kelly, funny friend, spunky daughter, happy wife. I was a crazy "Gimme a Baby" lady.

I was so scared thinking I would NEVER conceive, and it doesn't cross your mind that you will miscarry, that is the LAST thing you think about when getting fertility treatment. You think every month is going to fail, like the months before, so you are prepared to see a negative pregnancy test or expect your period to come and you aren't shocked when she does arrive, and every month, the disappointment of her lessens and you kind of get used to seeing her monthly...

But what happens when the test isn't negative, when your period doesn't show and you are told you are pregnant.

You freeze, in total shock, for a moment the world stops spinning. All that really exists in your mind, is you, your husband and the prospects of this baby that will be growing inside you for the next few months. When you finally catch your breath, you think this can't be true, you've waited so long, you've prayed so hard and finally God thinks you deserve this gift.

You run to show your husband the test, you are so proud of yourself, perfect little wife that you are, and now you are going to be a Mommy, and give your husband the gift of being called Daddy...in just a few months you will look into the eyes of a child that is part of you and the most incredible man you have ever known, and in that instant you realize that THIS is what life is about...The meaning of life is just that - LIFE.

In 5 minutes I think I envisioned everything that this child would represent for me. A new set of dreams, new plans, a whole new life. It would take my marriage to a new level, take my own soul to a new level, there would be parts of me that would appear that I never knew existed. In just a few days I became so attached to what this child was going to be like...I didn't think for one minute this was going to happen.

When my first set of hcg levels came back low, I thought okay, well it is early, lets give it some time, when the 2nd set came back still low, I knew it was over. Cristian admits he knew it too.

I knew the morning going in for my 3rd beta test that this was it. I cried in the office as they drew blood, because I knew I was getting the call that I was losing this pregnancy.

On the train ride home, I tried thinking of a 101 different things to keep my mind off of what the rest of my night was going to be like. I prepared myself for the worst, or so I thought.

When the time passed that they were to call me, I called them. When I heard her say "Unfortunately..." that is all she had to say, I knew right then and there, that she was going to tell me that all these dreams I just had, all these plans, these hopes, that they were over. That I would have to look at my husband and tell him that the baby he has been crying for, aching for with me, was never going to be, at least not this baby.

I didn't know how to control myself, as I let out the biggest cry when I hung up the phone. I stood here, where I am sitting right now, with my hand over my mouth, as I screamed "Please God No!", I tried to gain some composure, as my hands shook I called Cristian and told him to come home. He said "Oh no baby, what is wrong?", I didn't want to tell him on the phone..I didn't want him to have to think about that on the train ride home, I just told him to come home now, and he said "It's over isn't it?" and I let out such a deep sob to him and I apologized, because I know I've failed him, and he is such a good man, and he deserves a child..and I just felt so broken.

When he hung up I called my Mother, when I said "Mom" she knew and she said "I will be there in 10 mins" she left work. When she got here she was covered in tears. She mourned this loss too, she was so excited to be a Grandma, she held me and I cried into her arms.

I feel like I have let down both my husband and my mother. I will never know Why this happened, it will never make any sense to me, and I don't mourn for myself, because for some reason I keep blaming myself, I cry for what I am not able to give my husband and my mother, a child and a grandchild.

I never knew that I would feel so empty, and my body is holding on to this pregnancy, because I think it really isn't ready to let go, it knows how long we've tried, but really I need this to start and be over already, the long drawn out process is something I can totally do without.

Needless to say, for the next few months, we will be on a TTC break. I need time to heal, to regain some of who I was before this all began.


I will never forget what it felt like for those few short moments, when I was innocent and pregnant, when dreams and hopes weren't jaded...

I know I will never know those feelings again..for next time I will fear the same thing happening again.

All I can do is pray, and trust that God knows what he is doing, even if I do not.

And so it ends.

I got the call from the nurses. My hcg dropped and I am heading for a miscarriage. I am covered in tears. I can't do much of anything except cry. My Mom left her job and is coming here, DH left work and is running home.

I can't even begin to describe the heartache I am feeling.

It is times like these when I really NEED MY DADDY.

Holding On To Faith

I cannot believe that finally I can say that I am PREGNANT! When I seen those two pink lines my heart stopped. Time froze, I shook, it was unlike any feeling I have ever had. When it was confirmed with a blood test, I started crying immediately. Then my heart sank when the nurse told me that my levels were low and that I needed to come in every 48 hrs to monitor the rise. Well on 13dpo my levels were 15, and on 15dpo they were 28, this is a doubling percentage of 87%, they look for 66% rise in 48-72 hours. My average doubling time is 53 hours. While I wish I could say I am out of the woods it is far from safe just yet. The numbers are still relatively low and I am praying that this is not an ectopic pregnancy and that somehow my baby will stay with us and continue to grow, in the right place- in my womb. I have prayed to God so many times in the last few days that I am positive he is sick of hearing from me. I want this baby to be healthy, and if he/she is not healthy they belong with God and I will learn to accept that this was his will. I am not selfish enough to want a sick and suffering baby just to satisfy my desire to have a child. I want a child that will thrive, grow and become the best human being they could. That is all I hope for.


Somehow, I just hope that these levels although low, mean nothing negative and that my little boobie is just taking his sweet time multiplying. I hope this is the case. If he is anything like his Mommy than I already understand why he is being a procrastinator.

On a more serious note:
My Professor is going through Chemotherapy. She wears a scarf on her head and through this she remains so positive and so full of smiles. I have to admit sitting there today really put things back into perspective for me. At least I am healthy ya know, regardless of what is going to happen with this pregnancy, things could be worse, a lot worse and I am thankful they aren't. I am continuing to pray to God that everything works out and my little pickle gets to stay with us, but if not, I know there is hope for another time. As hard as it is to say that, it is the truth. I am not giving up though, I am holding on to every bit of hope I have. I have to, it is afterall my baby

Just A Wish (Another Poem By Me)

This is a poem I wrote to my husband about our future children. Hope you enjoy.


Just A Wish


Your Smile, Your Eyes, Your Touch, Your Warm Embrace, Your Laugh, Your Strength, Your Charm, Your Heart, You Generousity, Your Tenderness.

All the things I hope he gets from you....

& All the things I hope she searches for....

My wish for him is to love like you do

My wish for her is to be loved like I am.

For My Husband ( A Poem I Wrote)

In the quiet hours I am consumed with thought

I retrace your fingertips across the small of my back

Your lip prints still linger on my neck

Your scent envelopes me as it dances around my body

Still lingering is your breath in my hair

Your stare so deep it punctures my soul

Whispers from your body to mine

Entangled are we,

For the nights we forget to move

Passion forces the rhythm, I am yours

For Always

9dpo & Feeling "Odd"

Yesterday was a day from emotional hell for me. For some reason I kept crying off and on, and I don't mean tears just strumming down my cheeks, I mean FULL FLEDGED ALL OUT HYSTERICS. I cried during the movie "Coyote Ugly" at like a random part of the movie, it wasn't even sad...so why the fuck was I crying?
As of late I have been Psycho bitch. I cry, I am hot, I am freezing, I am just all together feeling "off".

If I am not PG then there are some serious hormonal imbalances going on inside of me that I am going to ask RE to check out.

Symptoms as of late: Weird vivid dreams, increased sexual drive, increased appetite, slight distain for food even though I am hungry, EXTREMELY sore and swollen breasts, I have been very thirsty and have a weird metallic/blood taste in my mouth. I had cramps from 1dpo-7dpo, yesterday they subsided. Okay I ran out of my bedroom cause I was feeling hot and on fire, I am sitting here freezing, and the AC is in my bedroom and there isn't one in here...talk about weird?

9 days down, 5 more til testing. WISH ME LUCK AND BABY DUST!

150mg of Clomid- My Miracle in a Bottle

Clomid 150mg worked! I produced 4 follicles. Of course not all of them matured. On the day of my trigger shot (Hcg)I had a lead follicle that measured 21mm. WOOHOO. My estrogen was rising, my LH was rising and all signs pointed towards ovulation. So
I had my IUI done yesterday. It went well, it hurt a little bit cause she really shoved that catheter up there...I was starting to think my cervix was about as deep as the battery tunnel ..I let out a "woo" and said "oh boy I think I am going to pass out". Cristian laughed at me; bastard lol. He said "I highly doubt you are going to pass out." Let me tell you, Cris is not a fan of giving his "donation", he had the audacity to bitch and complain about how "unfair" it was and "uncomfortable"...so during my IUI, I decided to talk to the nurse as she is playing "Where's Waldo" with my cervix and I said "can you believe this one, he said what he had to do was unfair and uncomfortable?" Uncomfortable for him? I am lying there with clamps keeping me spread so far open that I am sure the nurse seen my brain and HE is uncomfortable..I looked at the nurse and said "if only I got to have an orgasm every time I came to the doctor, I'd be here with bells on." Well she laughed so hard and then said "We're all done, lay here for 10 mins, you have no spotting, cramping is normal and go home and follow up with intercourse.", hmm sex? what a concept, I've had quite enough of that for the last year, thought I was catching a break...so we're home and have BD'd twice already...I am kinda sick of my husband's penis..and I don't think my vagina is that ever illusive wonderland to him as it once was.

So my temperature jumped today..I am pretty certain I ovulated yesterday perfect timing...so I am 1dpo, 13 days to go, I reallllly hope that this works and that soon enough I will be a Mommy..keep me in your prayers, this has been so emotional for me, it has gotten to the point where I cry when I see children, not out of jealousy but out of KNOWING what MIRACLES they truly are.

Cristian also bought me a new camera since I mentioned I wanted to get into photography. I got a Nikon D40 Digital SLR and I can't wait to start snapping away.

New Dr, New Plan, New Hope

What a relief finding a new Reproductive Endocrinologist so quickly. Thank God when my former RE told me she was leaving I called a new one and scheduled an appointment immediately for August. The timing could not have been any perfect. I got my period the day of my appointment which meant I could start treatment asap and not have to wait for a new cycle. The new place I am going to is NYU Fertility Center in Manhattan. I have to admit getting there is a little bit of a pain in the ass but the inconvenience is surely worth the results. My new Dr. is AMAZING. I mean, I just know this is the man who is going to get us results. He was so kind, gentle, compassionate and you could tell he CARES about his patients. I am not just another infertile woman coming to get a baby, I am not cash flow to him. He really is great! His name is Dr. Fred Licciardi, and I HIGHLY reccommend him to anyone having a hard time trying to conceive..I'd even suggest travelling to see him..he's that GREAT!
I am now on 150mg of Clomid, we will do a trigger shot and then another IUI..soooo excited..who knows, maybe I will be pregnant in 2 more weeks???

I Love My Uterus...for now at least

So these are my tubes and my uterus. I have to admit I love them. They are pretty in all their perfectness LOL.. The squiggly stuff on the side is the dye they injected that went right through, which means CLEAR tubes! Woohoo..My Uterus is a nice shape, that will be my baby(ies) home for 9 months. Check out that scenery! LOL.
Anyway, that picture was taken from my HSG...which by the way was one of the most painful procedures I have ever had done...if someone tells you it doesn't hurt..they are full of shit because I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, especially from the endometriosis, and that effer hurt like a bitch. Well Ta-ta for now...I am off to pop some of my Clomid and read my new diet book.

Battle Wounds

That is my arm. Yes, from blood being taken. So here is the backstory. I wound up in the ER with a swollen foot. No idea how it got swollen, it just was. So I was tested for everything under the sun, especially for congestive heart failure. Once my BNP levels came back fine I was released. During my short stay at the ER I receieved a shot that made my water circulate and made me pee 7 times in 1 hour, and lose 6lbs. Finally the ER Dr tells me he believes the retention is from the clomid or trigger shot. WONDERFUL!...I called the RE she said absolutely not...but really wtf does this brainfart know? She is afterall the genius who tried to impregnate my cysts...On a lighter note...I have ovulated, I am 98% sure. My temps have risen and my breasts hurt. So hooray for that. Will post more later.

Some Doctors Should Just Resign...

And My Reproductive Endocrinologist is one of them. I can't even begin to censor my thought processes but I have to, because well even though this is "my" blog, I know some of my readers are a bit conservative.

So last Tuesday Cristian and I decided to move ahead and do the IUI despite the fact that our beloved friend passed away. On Monday we spent the entire day and night in the funeral parlor, Tuesday morning we did the IUI and Tuesday night back to the funeral parlor and Wednesday was the burial. The only thing that got me through this was the thought that perhaps our buddy was guiding us from heaven. I felt guilty doing the IUI that day and even cried about it. But we did it, because the RE said it was time and she had triggered me Monday early morning. Because she did a scan that showed 2 mature follicles...

Well...I went for a progesterone test yesterday and my level was 0.8 which means I did not ovulate..hmmm? You mean I did not ovulate but we triggered, I had follicles, we did IUI, what do you mean I did not ovulate.
So I go in this morning for repeat blood work and another ultrasound and guess what... I HAVE NO MATURE FOLLICLES.
The Dr then proceeds to tell me that maybe they weren't follicles the other day and were actually cysts..wow this woman has got to be kidding me. So I said well is there a corpus luteum and she says.."maybe" and points to a black dot saying it could be an 11mm follicle or a corpus luteum.

Anyway..I tell her that my cervix was high, soft and open, she tells me "Oh I don't know much about cervical positions..."

OMG...what the fuck am I doing dealing with this doctor. Apparently I know more than she does and that is sad being she has 17 years of experience.

I am really angry, REALLLLLLLLLLLLY angry, because she thinks because she is leaving the practice and not accepting my insurance in 15 days that she can dismiss me. She even picked up a personal phone call while with me and DISMISSED me!

I am so done with her!

I can't wait until my appointment with Dr. Liccardi at NYU Fertility Center

A Sad Day In Our Home

Yesterday was 4th of July, and while we celebrated Cristian's sister's wedding, we came home to find out that one of Cristian's best friends was in an accident up in Lake George and he drowned. My heart is breaking for his family. I can't imagine why God thought it was time to take him, he had so much more to do in life, get married, have children. This is so so so so sad. My friend is his girlfriend, and today is their anniversary, I think 7-8 years. My heart is so heavy for her. Last night Cristian cried so hard and so much, I never seen my husband like that. I didn't know what to do, I just held him and kept saying "I am so sorry hunny." I really don't know what to say, to think, all I know is that this really sucks, and it hurts, and I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and it all have been a dream.

My Lovely Follies

Ok well, obviously I am not really going to talk about that book but I thought the title was appropriate LOL. I went to the RE today and low and behold I have several follicles (Follies). There were 2 dominant ones, one on each ovary. One measured 15mm, the other 12mm and it is only CD10. The RE suspects that BOTH will release eggs and I have a chance at twins! WOOHOO. Being that I finished Clomid yesterday the RE is very happy with the way in which my body is responding to Clomid. I am very very happy that 50mg seems to be doing the trick so far. I am going to be testing all weekend long with my OPK's and my CBEFM and checking for surges and peaks. If none by Monday I go in for follow up u/s, trigger shot and scheduled IUI..I am ELATED..I cannot believe that it is very possible that in 2.5 weeks I could find out I will be a Mommy. I am going to be praying every night. Please keep me and DH in your prayers, we really want a baby.

Flying HIGH!

Well, I finally started Clomid on Saturday. On the Thursday before that I quit smoking cold turkey! I have not smoked in 5 days!! Now let me tell you, I was a heavy smoker (25-30 ciggs a day!)..
So I have been taking clomid for 4 days. This morning I did my fertility monitor test strip and put it in the machine and expected to see LOW, because I've never seen anything other than LOW, I always ovulate too late to get a high or peak..well....
TODAY IS CD 8 AND I GOT A HIGH READING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clomid is working!!!!!

Putting Words On To "Paper"

Last night I decided to write Craig a letter and email it to him. I did this because for some reason I cannot say what I want to say to him on the phone. I feel like if I do I will just cry and never stop - I don't want to upset him by hearing me cry. He surely has enough on his plate without worrying about how I am taking this all in. So I sat and as I typed away the tears began to fall endlessly. In the midst of telling him how much of an amazing person I think he is, all our memories starting replaying in my mind. I can't believe how much he is a part of all my past smiles, tears, laughs etc. You don't realize how much of an astounding role someone plays in your life until they are gone or leaving. It was a really hard letter to write but I wanted him to know how much I love him, how much I will miss him when he is gone, how much my heart breaks for his son, for his family, and for all of us friends. I reminded him of how much he had done for me in the past, how he was always my rock, there to defend me, to pick up the pieces of my broken heart..point is, he truly was a GREAT Friend. I needed to thank him for this. And part of me feels like a coward for not being able to vocalize this, but part of me feels if I do so, it will sound like I have given up hope. Believe me, I am hanging on to the last shred of hope, for a miracle of some sorts, just something, I haven't accepted the fact that he may not be here in a few weeks..I haven't accepted this at all..not even a little...in time I will.

I can't help but notice how my Dad's birthday and his are just 3 days apart, and if this IUI works, my due date would be Craig's birthday, if it is off by a few days it will be my Dad's birthday.
July is nearing, and it is almost 1 whole year since my Dad has passed on...a year, wow..it doesn't feel that long, seems just like yesterday.

So I will for the most part probably always hate the month of July for what it robbed from me, for what it may rob from me soon. In the back of my mind is the prayer that this IUI works, to give some happiness in the month of July and to help me cope with that first week in April every year.

Do They Make a Pill For...

Stupidity? Foot in mouth syndrome? Insensitivity?

I cannot for the life of me stomache anymore insensitive comments from people who are pregnant or have children. So I am going to answer a few questions they have asked me and reply to a few statements they have made.

No, I refuse to accept that God doesn't think it is my time...not when I see 15 yr olds pregnant, or 20 yr old unmarried women with baby number 2 on the way. I refuse to believe that He thinks it is the right time for them, but not for me...seriously..enough with the "right time" card. There is a right time for me...and it is NOW!

No, I don't think asking a psychic has led God to punish me for wanting a little hope from someone spiritual.

Yes, I have sex often...too often...probably more than you, your mom and grandmother have in their entire lifetime. Thank you very much!

Standing on my head? Really? You think? TRIED IT- FAILED

There's always adoption? You don't say? It's a wonderful thing? Okay so then why don't YOU go that route.

Relax, have a drink and you will get pregnant? You mean alcohol doesn't affect fertility? Hmm, I should tell all the medical professionals your personal assessment on that issue.

I'm trying too hard? What do you mean? Having sex on the right day? Taking temps, swallowing prenatals, eating healthier...sooooo what should I be doing? Ohhh yea, swallowing ecstacy, eating lard and and skipping sex all together..hold while I jot that down in my daily planner.

You know someone who tried for 10 yrs, then when they gave up they got pregnant? Well wow, good for them...BTW I don't believe that load of crap.

I should pray for a baby? Well I am sorry I am too busy praying for sick friends and family, I think God may have a little more important things to do than to answer my prayer for a baby..something like world peace or a cure for cancer would surely be more worth his time..don'tcha think?

No I don't want your kid...you can keep him/her.

Umm no, I don't consider myself lucky that I am not tied down by children.

Yes, I am aware I can come and go as I please and go out every weekend partying without worrying about a babysitter, but I spend my weekends home, having sex, trying to make a baby to tie me down...ugh as if that were a bad thing?

Do I want a boy or girl? How about a healthy baby of my own...genitalia not really main concern right now.

Okay, I am so glad it was an accident for you, I am so thrilled you are fertile myrtle..seriously..stfu...



Okay, that was my rant...

The End

9 Months....

Today marks the 9th month of our TTC journey. Although most people would argue that it is not a considerably long time to be trying, but for someone who desperately wants a child, it feels like a lifetime. They say it can take a couple without any fertility issues up to a year...thankfully I have been lucky enough to have met with Dr's prior to the 1 year mark they normally require. I guess when you know you will encounter problems the process of getting help is quicker. I have been waiting to go on clomid for almost 6 mths. It has taken the doctors 6 whole months to finally say "You can now go on fertility medications"...I really hope I am pregnant by the time we hit the 1 year mark. I am really hoping to spend next Mother's day as a Mom, or Cris next father's day as a Dad. I had hoped to have had a baby here by this Christmas, but that won't be happening, so I am hoping to be at least pregnant by this Christmas.

I'd Like My Eggs...Fertilized..Thank You

So I just got a call from my RE. I ovulated!!! Next Monday I go in for repeat blood work to test HCG levels unless Miss Monthly decides to show up before then, which is okay by me - I am just elated that I ovulated...on my own! I mean I normally do but always late. Last cycle I had a 60 day cycle, this one looks like it is only going to be 36 or 42 the most. I am most certainly excited for this. I start clomid this month, on cycle day 5-9. Then we are having an IUI. Kelly is jumping for joy as we speak, okay well maybe I would be if I didn't feel so damn tired....yawn

Because You Just Have To Have Some Humor!

When faced with infertility you have to find some time to laugh. Cris and I joke a lot about my rotten eggs (delayed ovulation) and his siamese headed sperm...

We totally have to be like that or we'd surely go insane...

So this is the cartoon for the moment...I will be adding many more throughout this journey.

Thanks to Jennie for showing me the link to these cartoons... You rock bitch!

Testing, Testing, 1-2-3

So my husband and I have had pretty much all the tests done so far. I've had my last Laproscopic surgery in February 2007 for endometriosis, this time it was barely there, very minimal, and so far my symptoms have not returned. So that is a big ++++ on that part. My thyroid levels have finally returned to normal (Graves disease took over my life at one point..I must admit, I was crazy for a long time with those levels being totally out of whack). My FSH level was really great 4.1, my E2 was 32. I do have PCOS as well, so my LH on a random day testing was 12.5 I believe. Pretty high. All other levels are normal, well except for the levels indicative of PCOS and I have a pretty hard time swallowing the fact that my testosterone levels are higher than normal, because this makes me feel like less of a woman. Stupid, I know, but this is how I feel. Cris has had a s/a done, everything is fine with him, except for a slight morphology problem, but I am not too worried about that. I had my HSG done, my tubes were all clear. So everything is a go from this point on...now all we have to do is get me ovulating regularly..and Little Miss Clomid will be helping us with that! We're going to have an IUI this cycle. I am so excited, yet nervous. I don't want to see another BFN. Keeping fingers, toes and everything else (except my legs of course LOL) crossed!

Intro

So I decided to start this blog as a way to communicate my feelings. To recount the moments, the emotions, the thoughts that run through my body, mind and soul. I never thought having a baby would require so much work. You get this idea in your head that all it takes it just 1 time, 1 oops and you are on your way to motherhood. So what happens when just 1 time turns into hundreds of times, hundreds of oops and no baby to follow? How do you make sense of the notion that there are actually accidental pregnancies, unplanned but totally invited. You begin to question if that is even possible. How can their "unplanned" timing be so perfect, while you sit with your thermometer in your mouth every morning, charting temperatures, charting CM, CP, any slight change in your bodily functions..and you've planned it perfectly, timed it "just right" and still...BFN. Month after month the reality of not becoming a parent creeps up on you slowly. You start questioning why this is happening, "do I really want to go through this all?", "Is it really worth it in the end?" Then you shake yourself out of your doom and gloom and remind yourself that it is all worth it. That you will be a better parent for it, for all the longing you've endured, the tears, the procedures, the dr's appointments...it will all make sense...someday