Putting Words On To "Paper"

Last night I decided to write Craig a letter and email it to him. I did this because for some reason I cannot say what I want to say to him on the phone. I feel like if I do I will just cry and never stop - I don't want to upset him by hearing me cry. He surely has enough on his plate without worrying about how I am taking this all in. So I sat and as I typed away the tears began to fall endlessly. In the midst of telling him how much of an amazing person I think he is, all our memories starting replaying in my mind. I can't believe how much he is a part of all my past smiles, tears, laughs etc. You don't realize how much of an astounding role someone plays in your life until they are gone or leaving. It was a really hard letter to write but I wanted him to know how much I love him, how much I will miss him when he is gone, how much my heart breaks for his son, for his family, and for all of us friends. I reminded him of how much he had done for me in the past, how he was always my rock, there to defend me, to pick up the pieces of my broken heart..point is, he truly was a GREAT Friend. I needed to thank him for this. And part of me feels like a coward for not being able to vocalize this, but part of me feels if I do so, it will sound like I have given up hope. Believe me, I am hanging on to the last shred of hope, for a miracle of some sorts, just something, I haven't accepted the fact that he may not be here in a few weeks..I haven't accepted this at all..not even a little...in time I will.

I can't help but notice how my Dad's birthday and his are just 3 days apart, and if this IUI works, my due date would be Craig's birthday, if it is off by a few days it will be my Dad's birthday.
July is nearing, and it is almost 1 whole year since my Dad has passed on...a year, wow..it doesn't feel that long, seems just like yesterday.

So I will for the most part probably always hate the month of July for what it robbed from me, for what it may rob from me soon. In the back of my mind is the prayer that this IUI works, to give some happiness in the month of July and to help me cope with that first week in April every year.