Godfather!!!

Yes, it is official, Cristian is the baby's Godfather. I am so thrilled. This is a wonderful thing that we can both share in together. Our Godchild!

So excited!

Can't wait to go shopping!!!

Does It Sting?

That's what a friend of mine asked me in reference to my SIL being pregnant. I mean one has to be completely honest and truthful when it comes to emotions, because really who are we fooling when we deny? Clearly not ourselves, and if we can't fool ourselves what makes us think that we could pull one over on anyone else?

So...Does it sting?

No

Did it?

Oh yes.

I can't lie. When I found out I was mixed with emotions. Of course I was undeniably happy for her and then on the flipside, absolutely devastated for Cris and I. I took one look at his face when I told him and his eyes filled with water. He hugged me and told me, our time will come - and it will...but he clearly seen my heart beating in my throat the puddles that my eyes were forming.

It stung for many reasons. First being that I am nowhere in the right frame of mind to get pregnant. I am not emotionally stable right now with all this anxiety I am going through. Financially we have seen better days...but who hasn't in this economy?

I had this whole plan, and it fell apart. Somewhere along the lines my mind and body decided to tell me NO MORE - NOT NOW - WE NEED TIME...unfortunately my heart hasn't gotten the memo yet. I guess there is an aching that will remain with me indefinitely. I suspect this will even linger on after having children.

It stung because I found out right around the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. It stung because her due date is 1 day before my old EDD. But perhaps this is a way for me to celebrate that day, to let go of the pain that I associate with it.

It stung because we were supposed to do IVF last month, and I just couldn't go through with it. It stung because it came so unexpected and by surprise for her...and I sometimes wish in the midst of all of this chaos, that somehow it would happen that way for me...maybe someday it will...but today is not that day.

I don't admit this to many people, because let's face it, this is not about me. It is about her and her joyous time being pregnant. It was/is her time to shine..so I step aside, infertility playing second fiddle off in the distance...enjoying the moment with her.

The same friend admitted to me that she thought I would be mad at her for having had to have an abortion last month. How could I? Her body is not my own, that child was not mine, the decision was not mine to make...and while it is almost impossible to understand, despite how hard this road has been for me...I am still very much pro-choice...a stance that many women in my situation cannot fathom..but like I told my friend "My fertility has no bearings on anyone elses life"
She said she thought I was such a wonderful friend to support her and accept her decision, despite how hard it was for her to make, I know she made the right choice...if in her situation, I would have done the same. I guess hearing that from me, eased some of her pain, helped her lose some of her guilt.

At the end of the day what it boils down to is...no one has what I want, so how can I be jealous?
I don't want someone elses baby, I want MY BABY, whether biological or not, MY CHILD is what I long for, so I never envy the life of another woman - for any reason...
no one has what I desperately seek to accomplish.

A family with MY husband...and right now, our little family is suffice..although I will admit, in the quiet hours, I often think of her....it's just something I know I will always do.

New Job - Hopefully...

Today I went on a job interview. I haven't worked in 3 years and that seems like an eternity. I decided to get a job in retail because 1) I am going to be student teaching in September and I can change my hours and 2) I am still going to school - so I am not really looking for a career. The interview seemed to have gone really well. I have a follow-up interview with the head honcho at the store...and where is this place you ask?

Babies R Us..smart idea? Not too sure? I guess I will find out sooner or later..or not..all depending on whether I get the job. But I think they were pretty impressed with my vast knowledge of baby products considering I am not a parent. Did I feel the need to divulge the last 2 hellish years of my life? Not exactly..and so I didn't. I just "blamed" my knowledge on my friends kids. Not the fact that I have looked at and pretty much designed and planned my future children's nurseries, carseats, strollers etc...if you haven't ever experienced infertility-this just sounds like a crazed baby obsessed woman, however if you have been through this rollercoaster ride, you know exactly why I had the NEED to do that.
Planning all these things leads your head to believe there is hope. It gives you things to look forward you, in a sense it helps you continue the fight.

Today while in BRU, I wasn't reminded of all that I didn't have, all that I could've had and lost, but rather what will be - someday - when the timing is right, when I feel whole again. I didn't feel saddness or emptiness or a longing, which I totally thought I would. Instead I felt excitement for a new job, working with the one thing I love more than anything...children and children's products.

My Mom wasn't too sure about this choice, but they called me for a job, and I want to work ASAP. I need to. Not working does ZERO for my anxiety and depression and I am hoping this just pulls me right out of this...I just want to feel like ME again.

Which leads me to tonight. I was fine all day. 3 hr interview NOT ONE SINGLE feeling of anxiety..tonight....ANXIETY.

I am getting so frustrated with myself and fearing this will never go away...but I have got to let God take over. I NEED him to take over..I have to release this to him, because clearly I can't handle this on my own.

So I am asking for prayers. Just pray that my anxiety goes away. I can deal with infertility, I can deal with a lot of things, but anxiety is just soooooo debilitating.
This is why I am settling for a job that pays only 8.00 an hour, and working probably at most 30 hrs a week, because anywhere outside of my head is a better place to be....

This Shouldn't Annoy Me...But It Does...

This can be a major "change" and "peace" set back for me...and I will more than likely bring this up at therapy..and my therapist will tell me to feel flattered, and not to care but it brings up some really resentful feelings on my behalf.

I wonder why these people are reading my blog. The very people who said some really HURTFUL and NASTY things about me..the very people who posted all over facebook about how they were "so over me". People who took what I CONFIDED in them and told the world. People who pretend to be friends.

Why are they reading my blog?

Why do you care about my life? Did the first one read about my anxiety and then text the other to boast about it? Did it make you smile? It probably did - and if it did...you really should question the type of human being you are.

Just know that I know, you read my blog, for whatever reason, you do...

And just know that...I haven't given you a second thought...that is until today as I seen you read my blog...and tomorrow I will have forgotten all about you again.

Things I Have Given Up...

I haven't smoked in 500 days. That is a long time for a smoker, over a year to be exact :)

I haven't bitten my nails in 75 days. Which is a miracle considering my anxiety.

I haven't consumed caffeine in 74 days.

The pay off of not biting my nails: Pretty nails that are all my own :)



And these have been filed quite a few times to keep them this "Short"

Chili Time

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a great cook. I have been cooking since I am about 11 years old. My husband is infatuated with my cooking and I believe it is probably why he married me LOL. I make an array of food, ranging from Spanish to Chinese. I even make homemade pizza...which EVERYONE I know says is the best pizza they have ever eaten. That makes me smile! So I figured tonight's blog will be about my chili, and I think at the end I will throw in a picture of my homemade pizza.

So here are the ingredients:


Missing from the picture is the Spanish Onion and Green and Red Peppers I was already sauteeing:


Then you brown the meat:


Then you add the chili mix and the chili powder, onion powder, black pepper:


Then comes the beans:


Finally you add the small cans of tomato sauce:


I let it simmer and then serve it over white rice, drizzle some red devil hot sauce and top with Extra Sharp Cheddar cheese, in this case I used WHITE Cheddar because the store did not have Yellow.


And that is the final outcome...oh, and I don't care if you don't like my cheap paper plates from costco, it meant less dishes for me to do tonight LOL.

and as promised, an oldie but yummy, my homemade pizza:

Midterm, Therapy and Retail

So perhaps my blog about my anxiety about my midterm set the path for the following day. It really is amazing how much our minds can create or dictate every situation's path.
Monday morning I left my house to go to school. As soon as I turned the key, I started crying..bawling...sobbing...like a scared 5 year old heading to her first day of Kindergarten. As I walked up the block, heading towards the bus my chest felt like it was caving in. I immediately dialed my mother, sobbing to her I confessed that I was sure I was going to fail this test, and that I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this...in the middle of my heartfelt crying episode, outside in public no less, my wonderful husband calls to remind me that I forgot to pack him lunch...grrrr...really? Did he really just say this to me? Followed by, if you fail this class, that's it, school is done. Great way to layer on the pressure genius. He is usually so supportive, gentle and kind...he rubbed me the wrong way Monday for sure..and my Therapist heard all about it on Tuesday.
Anyway I cried the bus ride to school, wiping my tears as fast as they came falling down. Having panic attacks on a crowded NYC bus is NOT fun. I am still crying by the time I get there. I contemplate going to the department before class, instead I went to class. My Professor took one look at me and told me to calm down. I told her that I am just so damn stressed out..so tired of feeling like this, like I can't get a grip on ANYTHING in my life right now. She told me to RELAX and that I am not going to fail her class, not even if I fail the midterm. About 20 mins later my ativan kicked in...so of course I am fucking EXHAUSTED from crying and now I am in total relaxation mode. It took me an HOUR, I never take an HOUR to finish an exam..20 mins TOPS. Bad sign...we shall see. After class we spoke. She asked me if I was on an antidepressant. I told her yes, I was taking Pristiq, she told me she is on Lexapro. I really appreciated her telling me that..I can't explain the feeling it left me with..that she really did UNDERSTAND me...and I NEEDED that, at that very moment.

So therapy was the following day and we talked about how I worked myself up for something as simple as a test because I have declared this class as the end all be all of classes, which it practically is. I love my Therapist...I wish I would have went to her years ago, this probably never would have occured.

I then went shopping with my BFF, for her new apartment. Whcih was a little exhausting, she's very indecisive, as am I, so put us together and it is a trainwreck..then we sat and talked about our issues..it's nice to be able to relate to someone, not nice that she's going through shit too, but I feel less alone.

I seen too many cute things for my godchild, can't wait to find out if it is a boy or girl so I can start shopping...I am just going to have to keep reminding myself that this is not my kid and to slow down on the spending LOL.


I also went back to my regular Dr for sono results, since my spleen seems to bother me here and there..everything came back normal, just turns out around Ovulation time my spleen gets tender..I wonder if Endo can go there?
All blood work was fine, except Vitamin D, so I got these super duper prescription strength Vit D 50,000 unit pills. I take 1 ONCE a week, for 2 months..then check level again. My level was only 7. This could play a role in my depression..and I am also anemic, but I knew this...

Other than that..nothing to report. I just keep praying my SIL and the baby fair well during this pregnancy. I am looking forward to an uncomplicated pregnancy, or at least I am PRAYING for one.

H1N1 Vaccine? No Thanks....

So I went to the Doctor today, and asked again for the umpteenth time if I should get the swine flu vaccine...her response: NO WAY!

She doesn't believe it has been studied enough and even though I have asthma I will be fine if I contract it.

SIL asked her OBGYN if she should get it, he told her he doesn't reccommend it, even though she is pregnant.

So we are skipping the vaccine..anyone and everyone who knows me - knows that I am into delayed vaccines anyway and I have NEVER gotten the flu shot in my life. I see no reason for it. There are things I think are useless. My children will never get the Chicken Pox Vaccine, I had Chicken Pox and I was fine, and I won't make my daughters get the the HPV vaccine either since it is now being linked to infertility.

I just see no reason to pump our bodies full of a live disease, to POSSIBLY prevent it, because the vaccine doesn't even guarantee our safety.

Anxiety - Oh How I Hate Thee.

I have a love/hate relationship with my anxiety. I hate it for obvious reasons - being that it is almost nearly impossible to function like a normal human being in the midst of anxiety at its most heightened state. I love, or should I say I appreciate it for forcing me to do what I should have done for a very long time. That is dealing with whatever is bothering me at the moment, AT THE MOMENT..not 3 years from now, or 3 months from now, RIGHT NOW. I find myself these days, having a love/hate relationship with everything that exists in my life...by love, I really should say understand/appreciate/accept.

Like right now, I should be studying for my Spanish midterm tomorrow. I mean I REALLY should be studying, because the last 3 months of school have been a complete fucking fog to me - again because of the anxiety. So the routine is that I freak out over having to conjugate and change everything from direct obj pronouns to indirect object pronouns, from preterite to present..and I just am fucking lost...at least I can say puta and make no mistake whatsoever..Puta is Puta, there is no changing it...you are a Puta in the past and a Puta in the present..not everything is that clear cut in Spanish...so yeah, see I just went off on a tangent again...so this is what happens. I freak out knowing my Professor is completely disappointed in me this semester, because I am not the A student I was last semester or the semester before. I am current the B student, bordering on becoming the C student...insert break here..I needed to take my Ativan, because in all seriousness, it's about to get pretty intense if I don't. This is what I have become...some pill popping, nervous, infertile (just had to throw that in), overweight, stressed the fuck out college student...at 28!

I wonder if adults can develop ADD, and if they can, I think I have it...but then again I suffer from Anxiety, so I think I have EVERYTHING...I do have a lot of things, but not nearly as bad as my head can sometimes wander into thinking I have...

It's 10pm...so I think I really should go study...or I can say fuck it, and just not stress about the big fat 50 I will get on my exam...but this is me..and I am a perfectionist...and a 50 will just not suffice..hell I will probably cry over an 80.

I tried to explain to my mother how it goes. I told her I will sit down, study, freak out, take my meds, continue to study, drift off, meds kick in, start yawning, get really tired...too tired to study, go to bed, freaking out that I didn't study nearly enough, dream about failing my test or dreaming of something else I have surpressed for the last 28 years of my life and wake up with massive anxiety and not want to go to school...but force myself because there are no make up exams, show up, take the test, sweat, come home and shit my brains out from stress....

and 99% of what I just wrote will not occur, but this is what my brain does....hello Anxiety!

Happy Halloween

Little Miss Daisy was Snow White this year. I may be biased but I happen to think she's just the most beautiful Snow White I have ever seen! I love her to pieces!

My GodChild

Here is my sweet beautiful Godchild. Measuring 8w1d and I think he/she will probably be due sooner than June 11th. I have a feeling it is a girl, I don't know why. Let's see if Aunt's intuition is as strong as a Mother's. My Mother in law thinks it is a girl too. I feel very honored to be asked to be the baby's Godmother and I truly hope Cristian is asked to be the Godfather, but if not, I know he will treat the baby as if he is, especially since I am GodMommy. My Sister in law and I had a huge falling out a while back, and so did her DH and me and my DH, things got really ugly, but we got through it, and things are in the past and this just proves how much love we have for one another. When she asked me I said "Are you serious?" she said "Of course, I always said you would be my child's godmother" and I explained to her that I thought since the big blow out that I thought things changed. She said the sweetest thing "that's the past, we've moved on and I couldn't think of anyone better to be the baby's Godmother". I immediately cried.

I have already begun getting things/ideas ready for the baby shower. I am so stinkin excited. A Godchild!! I already have a 7 year old neice named Ashley..so this baby will make grandchild number 2 for our family, and finally Ashley will have a cousin that is not furry LOL. So far my sister in law has her boys name picked out. Benjamin Mason, and for a girl either Scarlett Paige or Savannah Quinn. I am looking forward to developing a life long bond with my neice/nephew. My sister in law is hoping for a girl, her husband a boy, but of course healthy is what we all want.

The Return of The Blog

I deleted my blog a while back, as a way to let go of the past. I realize now that letting go of the past does not mean that I have to try to erase the past.
The last two years have been a really rough and tumultuous time for me and I had lost myself completely. I turned into someone I didn't even recognize anymore. Not only did I put on weight, and change on the outside, I changed on the inside, and a lot of it was not for the better.

I've gone through so much loss and pain the last two years that it would be pretty hard for most people to understand and while I would love to divulge every aspect of my situation to release it, on the internet is not the best place - for the protection of those I love, I must keep certain things at bay.

During this time, I've done a lot of damage to a lot of personal and not so personal relationships. Some I take 100% blame for, others I will not. I've done my fair share of gossiping, and I have been gossiped about - it happens - it is immature - indeed, but like I said it happens.

For a while I belonged to 3 seperate support groups, and I no longer participate in these groups. Of the groups there are few women I still speak to, those I could trust, those who seen beyond the anger and beyond the opinions, those who chose to reach out to me and say "Hey, I think you need to speak to someone" instead of talking behind my back, or turning against me completely. Some had every right to lash out at me, others just followed the trend..and that is fine...it is how the world works, and for a while I was bitter about it - but I no longer let stuff like that anchor me down in negativity.

TTC became this whole new life for me. It started to become the very essence of who I was as a person. My friends IRL now confess to me that the light in my eyes had died in the last two years and that they are starting to finally see the old me, and how much they had missed who I was before infertility, the sudden death of my father and my friend and my miscarriage ransacked my life. With each of those losses a part of me died, slowly, I am learning to put back the pieces, I am becoming whole again and for the first time in a long time - I am LIVING.

I am not one to dwell on things, so this pain lingering is very new to me. I don't like still feeling pain and anger over the loss of my father, I don't like still feeling pain and hopelessness over the loss of my baby, I don't like still feeling pain and fear over the loss of my friend...I am not used to holding on to feelings, or feeling them for so long...I used to be good at stuffing these feelings deep down, way down, to a place where all is forgotten - or so I thought.

Over the last two years I had become so argumentative, so opinionated, so "mean" in ways, and when I say mean I mean saying whatever I thought, at whatever cost, to whomever was the recipient. You know the thoughts EVERYONE has, but people keep it to themselves, well I was voicing them. Maybe I was looking for a fight? Maybe I was looking to hurt someone, anyone, because of all the hurt I was going through...maybe I was just so pissed that everyone seemed so desensitized to others emotions that it angered me...whatever it was, it was ME, a ME that I no longer care to be..a Me that I have been working on since August.

In August I hit rock bottom so to speak. I allowed someone to rip me to shreds via the internet, and I did so without reacting back, and telling her about all the secrets I knew about her, because I in no way wanted to destroy a family. I let this woman tear apart my very being with her words and I absorbed it and it affected me but in the end it affected me for the better. Because it made me physically ill, that it shed light on a very deep issue for me. This "woman" called me a lost individual..and boy was she right. I was lost, so very far from who I am as a human being, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend...my life in 2 years led me down a road that I got stuck, and COULD NOT find the road back home to the REAL ME.
A few other things occured during the same period. I also had my first consultation with a new RE to move on to IVF. My appointment was on a Friday. Wednesday night the Panic Attacks started, the anxiety, so much so that I ran to my Doctor. She prescriped me Valiums and Lexapro...that was a hellish weekend. The Valiums did NOTHING to calm my mind. The Lexapro had the EXACT opposite effect on me and I wound up in the ER, scared out of my mind that I would wind up being admitted in the pyschiatric unit, the intense fear and shakiness I felt was beyond anything I had ever felt. I was afraid of myself, afraid I was going crazy, I didn't eat for days and lost 12lbs in 3 days. When I got to the ER, I met with a Dr. She talked to me and I told her EVERYTHING that I had been going through, everything that was said to me, and she told me I was suffering from Anxiety and having panic attacks and that I was not going crazy. She said Lexapro was not a good match for me and advised me to stop it. So of course I did. They gave me a shot in my arm of Ativan 1mg and within 5 minutes I was so relaxed, smiling, laughing, for the first time in a long time I felt LIKE ME. On the car ride home, I opened the window and let the wind flow through my hair...it had been such a long time since I could ride carefree in a car without worrying about getting into an accident. I finally felt free.

I went back to my regular Dr and she gave me Ativan 1mg pills. I was on them for a month and still struggling a bit. I had anxiety in the day time, cause I was only taking 1mg at night to relax and get some sleep. But I was getting back to me, somewhat. At my 1 month follow up she gave me a prescription for Pristiq, a mild antidepressant and upped my ativan to 2mg, but with the Pristiq I only need 1mg at night, sometimes I don't need it at all.

I am seeing a therapist 1x a week and we are making progress. It is helping me so much. We are working on a lot of my phobias. I have General Anxiety Disorder and I had no idea, but now I know, for so long I was depressed. I wasn't SAD, but empty, I always thought I had to be sad to be depressed...turns out that isn't the case.
I have a fear of flying, of driving, of death and I suffer from Agateaphobia. The last one was triggered by watching someone I love lose their mind. The first sessions we worked on my Agateaphobia, I still worry but it is getting better. Now we are working on my fear of death, because this is what is preventing me from doing a lot of things, such as IVF etc. At the the ending of it, the last thing will be working on my fear of flying, in which I must actually take a flight from NYC to Boston, round trip to graduate...the thougt sickens me - but I must do this...because I must learn to live in the NOW and not worry about what MIGHT and Probably WON'T happen.

So I guess from reading all of that you can deduce for yourself that TTC is off..because I am NOT ready. And I have no intentions of trying any time soon. I am working on ME for once, and getting back to who I used to be. I joined WW, and I am in school and going to therapy.

I am also delighted to announce that I have a niece or nephew on the way due June 11th, 2010. He/She is due the day before my Old EDD and I truly believe this happened for a reason. I was asked to be the God Mother yesterday. So for the next 2-3 yrs, I will enjoy my Godchild before embarking on having a child of my own.

and.....

Since we have stopped trying and since I have been on the meds, I have ovulated CD16 or earlier the last 2 cycles. First cycle was 31 days long, last cycle was 27 days long..and despite what they say antidepressants do to ones libido, I have never enjoyed or wanted to be intimate with husband as much as I do now. So I KNOW I am getting better every single day.

My posts from now on won't be much about TTC or having a baby..I never went back to the RE to get my immune results. I will have them faxed to me though to put away for the future in case we need to do treatments...and my thyroid is stable and normal TSH is 1. something the last 3 months. So, with that....I wish everyone ttc a stress free journey, and all the hope in the world...
and for those of you I have wronged...please understand that I wasn't Me for a long time, and I wish you could have been spared the ugliness that I allowed to take over me, but such is life and we all make mistakes, no one is perfect...but we can always aspire to be.

Peace, Love and Daisies!

Why Does It Feel Like My Life is a Series of Tests?

Wow, what a summer this has been so far! I don't really want to complain, because it really does absolutely nothing to remedy any situation so I am not complaining but rather exhaling and letting it all out.

In June, out of the blue (actually during a BD session) the room suddenly started spinning. I had to literally jump up and hold my head as the room came to a sudden stop. Initially I thought DH had perhaps bumped my cervix a little too hard and caused the spinning however, it kept happening...and especially at night when I went to sleep. This freaked me out beyond explanation and I guess it's okay to admit that I started having severe panic attacks from the dizzy spells. I started to dred going to sleep and even kept myself up for most of the night until 1 night I was sitting here on the computer and I turned my head to the right and tilted it back to look at the dog and the room spun again. All of a sudden I had this hot sensation crawl up my back, onto my ears and tingling and numbness on my entire right side of my face and head. My heart started racing, I broke out in a sweat and called my mother. Mind you this was 3am. She seems to be the ONLY person who can talk me out of a panic attack (I won't go on meds, please do not suggest it)I hopped in the shower, cause the shower for some reason made it feel better. I decided to get ready and just sit up on the couch until 8am and head to the ER. I went to the ER and they first suspected I was pregnant because I was late (unusually long cycle). I explained to the Physician that it is impossible because 1) I am infertile and 2) we have been using pull out method just in case. (I do not have an established hematologist or high risk ob to prescribe Lovenox so I will not try to get pregnant on my own until my upcoming appointment with my new RE). He said, there is always hope, and always the chance of a miracle. So I POAS. When he came back he looked at the test and said "Damn, I was hoping on a miracle" and I told him not to be upset because I didn't want to be pregnant at that time anyway. He did some maneuvers with my head and the rooms spun. He made me follow his finger with my eyes and said that my right eye seems to lag and pull when moved in one direction fast. Diagnosis- BPPV (Benign Proximal Positional Vertigo).

So then I decided to go to an Allergist on a hunch since antihistamine started making my vertigo feel better. Results - severe allergy to Dust Mites, high allergy to Mold and Cockroaches (Weird), slight allergy to Pollen, Dog and bird feathers. No food Allergies. She also said I had what appeared to be fluid in my ears...so off to the ENT I went.

So I go to the ENT and he has a look and he isn't convinced I have fluid in my ears despite what the Allergist said. I explained that she did this thing with some equipment that measured the response in my ear and it did not make a Bell shape. He said he thinks I have built up scar tissue from years of chronic ear infections. I've had problems with my ears forever, especially as a child. My sinuses are inflamed from years of dust mite allergies that I never knew I had. I also have a deviated septum (My dad did too) So I have been taking Claritin-D and haven't had a panic attack since. I am also using some nasal spray Patanase.

The ENT schedules me a hearing test and I have slight hearing loss in both ears, but more so to do with Pitch.

Then we do an ENG test, they blew air in my ears, I wore goggles and had to follow some red dot.

Diagnosis- BPPV. So I am going for Occupational therapy next Wednesday.

Monday- I have my appointment with SIRM to get Immune testing done!!

Tuesday is an appointment with a Vein doctor to check the circulation in my leg just to make sure I have no clots before we start hormonal medications for IVF. Then I have my endocrinologist appointment after, to see how my thyroid is doing. I feel good, so I hope that is a good thing.

Thursday I have my GYN appointment to check out everything and get copies of my chart for new RE.

Friday- I am sure will be 2nd appointment with therapist..which brings me to where I am going tomorrow.

I bit the bullet and decided to make an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist. I decided against a psychiatrist because I won't take the medication. It is fine for other people and I am all for it if they need it, but I won't take it myself for personal reasons. So tomorrow is my first session. Which is great since today marks the 2 year anniversary of my Father's untimely death. His death will probably play a significant role in my treatment as will my battle with infertility and our miscarriage. I decided to make an appointment when I decided I could no longer live my life in fear. Fear of death and of bad things happening. I need to get over this because it is just one thing keeping me from doing IVF because I am affraid of dying - during stimming, ER, pregnancy or birth. I am VERY afaid of it..and I need someone to talk to about my fears without feeling judged.

Other than that, I feel pretty good. Going to summer school, taking the 2nd of my 3 foregin language classes that I need to Graduate. Then I have 1 English course in the Spring and I am done with CLASSES, but I have to do 1 year of internship (Student Teaching) I decided to get my classes out of the way before so that I can invest all my time into teaching...and hopefully sometime next summer deliver a healthy baby.

I have my appointment with the new RE on August 28th, so every single test will be out of the way and we can move forward with IVF in November or October. I haven't decided when I am ready yet. I will make that decision by our Appointment at the end of next month. I also found out my SIL's SIL is pregnant! She had IVF done at a clinical trial here in NYC. The first embryo transfer did not work, but the 2nd did. I am elated for her!

Until next time.....

Sometimes You Read Something And...

It just breaks you down.

My husband recieved his monthly Ironworker magazine from the International Association of Ironworkers and in the back were a few poems written by Ironworkers and their wives. While my husband was reading one to me, I started crying. I felt the pain within the lines, I've lived her grief, ironically she and I also have the same name. At first my husband didn't realize it was a poem about a child lost from a miscarriage, but when I showed him the lines he just read, he realized and then he told me he was sorry for reading it, as tears streamed down my face. There was a pause, a moment of silence and I said "Don't be sorry, it was so beautiful, I get it, it's how I feel."

So I want to share this poem with you all.

Ironman and His Angel
By Kelly Good.

I know a man
Who walks the beams
With an angel
One he's never seen.
I'm proud to know
My Ironman
He does his job
Day after day
Boom up, boom down
The bolts, the bits
The iron, the grits
With his angel
By his side

He does stuff
Making the weak
Into the strong
When it's hot or very cold
He climbs up high
Not being so bold
My ironman who works all day
With baby angel
By his side
She's the one
Who keeps him strong
Making sure,
He comes home safe.


And, here I go again, off into a pool of tears. While the poem itself isn't the greatest, it's raw and it is real, and it is EVERY bit of how I feel. I am so proud of my husband. I am so blessed to have such a strong, beautiful, caring, gentle man. Every time I doubt myself, in whatever way, I realize I must be some kind of wonderful for someone like him to have chose me to spend the rest of his life with.
He adores me, every inch of me, even the flawed parts, the dark parts, the ugly parts....he's all I will ever need in this life, anything more would just be a bonus.

Il Ritmo Della Passione

I guess today I am feeling a bit emotional in spite of tomorrow being Rob's 1 year anniversary in heaven. With this I've sat and thought a lot about the people that mean the most to me.

I appreciate and love my husband on a daily, or should I say hourly basis, but some days I feel a little extra lovey, some days I like to look back at where we came from and how much we have been through to get where we are.

I know this love is destined. There is no couple in the world more suited for each other than we are. Well maybe there is, but we like to pretend that ours is a fairytale meant only for us to share. :)

So I decided to post our wedding song. It's Italian and English and we felt it appropriate for us, perfect, even down to the language. Cris was born and raised in Milan Italy until he was about 9 years old and I am am NY born and bred.

So enjoy the song. It's called Il Ritmo Della Passione(I Belong To You)

I love what this song does to my husband...I think this was the first love song that ever touched him, that's how we knew it was meant for us!

adesso no non voglio
più difendermi
supererò dentro
di me gli ostacoli...
i miei momenti più
difficili per te

there is no reason
there's no rhyme:
it's crystal clear
I hear you voice and all
the darkness disappears
every time I look
into your eyes
you make me love you

questo inverno finirà
I do truly love you
fuori e dentro me
how you make me love you
con le sue difficoltà
I do truly love you
I belong to you
you belong to me
forever

want you
baby I want you and
I thought that you should
know that I believe
you're the wind that's
underneath my wings
I belong to you
you belong to me

ho camminato su
pensieri ripidi
you are my fantasy
per solitudini
e deserti aridi
you are my gentle breeze
al ritmo della tua passione
oro io vivrò
and I'll never let you go
l'amore attraverserò
you're the piece
that makes me whole
le onde dei suoi attimi
I can feel you in my soul
profondi come oceani
vincerò per te
le paure che io sento

quanto bruciano dentro
le parole che non ho
più detto, sai...
want you
baby I want you and
I thought that you should
know that I believe
lampi nei silenzio siamo noi
I belong to you
you belong to me

you're the wind that's
underneath my wings
I belong to you
you belong to me
adesso io ti sento
I will belong forever
to you

Revelations.

I've found myself in a very unfamiliar place lately. While I do consider myself spiritual, I don't neccessarily consider myself religious, or so I thought.

I grew up Roman Catholic and attended mass every single sunday. I spent the summers out on Long Island with my grandmother and attended church not only every Sunday morning, but also on Saturday evenings. A lot of wonderful memories involve church and feeling closer to God and unfortunately as the years went on and life unfolded I found myself less connected to Church, and in a sense less connected to God. Don't get me wrong, I do believe one can believe in God, feel close to him and be spiritual without attending church, but for me; being in Church feels GOOD.

There is this peacefulness that resonates within me when I am in church. I just feel good inside, safe if you will; completely connected.

So many things played a role in my eventual seperation from the church. Some things obviously not by choice. My father was not religious and neither were his family. Actually I would consider them to be the furthest thing from spiritual, religious or good in nature period. They are toxic people - but that is another story - for another time. I may not even waste the time to blog about them. I haven't had them in my life for over 4 years and I will keep it that way. My mother however was raised very religious. She came from a very Irish Catholic family and God was ever so present and he was #1 in their lives. They were good wholesome people with a great appreciation for family and for life. May they rest in peace. So this is where my life splits. When my parents seperated back in 1989 my Mom had to go back to work. Since my maternal Grandmother lived out on Long Island I spent most of my time with my Paternal Grandmother when my Mom was working and on Sunday's I spent with my Dad. See where this is going? Church took a full hault in my life and I can honestly say since then it seems like life at times has felt unmanageable and I've felt completely lost and seperated from the goodness of times before.

Church became so unimportant to me that I felt like a hypocrite to get married in one and so we didn't. Then when told the Catholic church frowns upon fertility treatment I shunned it even more. How foolish of me? To throw a tantrum and revolt against a place in which makes me feel whole and good and one with God simply because they don't agree with my choices on what I would do as far as having a baby. I think this is an opportunity to perhaps open the minds of the Catholic church, even if it is one parishoner at a time.

I've done lots of soul searching lately and I realize for a long time I was lost in a place of anger and bitterness. Of wondering why me, and asking God why me? What did I do that was so terrible that all of these things are happening? And then I realize, that THIS is why.

God doesn't give us things simply because we ask. He gives us obstacles to get over and lessons to learn, when we overcome these and we actually LEARN what he wants us to - then we recieve his grace, his reward.
If you ask for patience, he will give it to you, by making you wait, you learn patience from life experience. When you ask for strength, he doesn't just hand it to you, he puts obstacles in your way, you overcoming that is what gives you strength.

I am applying this to my thoughts on fertility now. I will not pray for a child. I know I will become a mother, in his time and I do believe there is so much more for me to learn before this happens. Perhaps THIS is the very reason why I am not a mother just yet. Perhaps I needed to NEED God in my life again, to desire his prescence and to want to go back to the church - not for a child, but for ME, for me to FEEL GOOD. I haven't FELT GOOD in a long time. I feel fine, but not GOOD.

I truly believe God gave me my baby to take her away. (I truly believe she was a girl) I believe her purpose in MY life was to SAVE ME. She is MY ANGEL in so many senses of the word.
I believe I became pregnant for God to let me know that I CAN get pregnant. I believe she was taken away because God needed her, yet he leant her to me, to help me. I should explain that a bit more. You see after my miscarriage I learned of some pretty serious health issues of mine. One's that could be fatal if not known about or taken care of.
I learned I have Hashimoto's which is an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid and while it isn't life threatening persay, going untreated can shut down many organs and cause you to slip into a coma.
I also learned that I have Prothrombin Gene Mutation Factor II. Which is basically a blood clotting disorder which puts my risks for DVT at a higher level than normal population. It also causes miscarriage, late term fetal demise and stillborn, it can also cause embolism etc. I hope you see what I mean when I say she saved my life. Because I don't know what would have happened had I not lost her and not known just how much was wrong with me. I also have MTHFR which requires me to take an extra high dosage of Folic Acid and B12/B6 to prevent nueral tube defects...chances are my LO was a sick baby and chromosomally abnormal as many early losses are. This breaks my heart in more ways than I can explain.

I am at such a peace with the loss of my baby and I know deep within my heart she was far too beautiful for this world and was sent to me to be my angel and while at times it seems like life is kicking me down, I always remember that it could be worse and that I am thankful to know all that I know about my health..mostly because of her.

On another note. I am seeing an allergist/immunologist on July 9th. I may have an intolerance to Gluten which may explain sooooooooo many things.

Gluten Intolerance is most commonly found in women with Endometriosis, Hashimoto's Thyroidits, 85% of women with PCOS and in women with other autoimmune diseases like Meniere's, Lupus, Rhuematoid Arthritis and women with Unexplained infertility.

It has a list of symptoms, I fit almost every single one of them. This may explain why my thyroid levels are so much better on low carbohydrate diets and why I swell up when I eat pizza etc.

So I am going on a gluten free diet soon and hopefully this changes a lot of things in my health. It can only help at this point.

For now, lots of things are up in the air but I am alive and for that I grateful and more than grateful I am genuinely very HAPPY!

& The Music Played....

I have to share this because I really don't know how or why this happened but I am sure some of you will probably think I have lost my marbles but I assure you, as far as I know I have not. LOL

I was in the middle of cleaning. I have my Ipod plugged into my surround sound. I had the thing set to play Alanis Morrisette's album Flavors of Entanglement. So I am cleaning, listening to the music and my mind wanders and I start to think about tomorrow being Father's Day. I start to think of what everyone will be doing tomorrow with their Dads and of course I feel a little sick to my stomach with grief for a moment. Then I realize that DH has not gotten his father a card, I always pick up Mother's Day cards for our Moms but I refuse to do the whole Father's Day thing, I figure he needs to do that, he needs to understand it is still too painful for me.

So like I said all this is going through my head when all of a sudden my ipod switches songs in the middle of a song! It goes to a completely different artist. It is now playing Leona Lewis and the song is Footprints In The Sand!!
Okay so I'm like okay that is odd. So I listen to the song, as I never fully listened to it, I just uploaded the album into my ipod and it starts playing and I start crying. Here are the lyrics:

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I’m going
You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much I no along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid ooh
And just when I
Have thought I’ve lost my way

You give me strength to carry on
That’s when I heard you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

When I’m weary
Well I no you’ll be there
And I can feel you
When you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

Okay so I am thinking, hmm maybe my ipod switched to Leona, but then the next song comes on and it's BACK TO ALANIS!!!
So I checked the Ipod, the song is NOT in the Alanis Album by mistake..it just randomly played.

I am convinced that was my Dad talking to me...I have to believe that this was him..there is just no other explanation for this.

Yesterday....

Yesterday I found myself writing two blogs, but totally avoiding the real feelings that were surrounding me.

Yesterday was my E.D.D of my Angel. Yesterday I would have been a Mom, whether I had my baby early or on time, yesterday I SHOULD have been holding my baby.

Instead Yesterday I cried, I slept the day away, I really checked out emotionally. I came online at night, and blogged a bit, read a bit but I wasn't really here. My heart was elsewhere, my mind wandered inside the emptiness of my heart. I have so much to be thankful for, I am truly blessed in so many ways...but is it wrong to just want to be a Mom?

In the past week while battling vertigo and panic attacks I have been having some seriously vivid dreams and all these dreams have to do with Pregnancy, children, protecting the kids and death.

There is a reason for these dreams. In one dream I was pregnant and walking down the street with my friend Tiffany. We were looking for a maternity store for me. I was very much pregnant in the dream, full belly and all. I rubbed my belly and said to her "You know, I haven't felt him move this entire pregnancy" with a worried tone in my voice. She suggested I wiggle my belly and so I did. And then that is when it happened. I got this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomache followed by 3 kicks. I cried in my dream, saying it was the most incredible feeling ever - and it was, because even though it was a dream I FELT IT. I woke up knowing that feeling..how do I know that feeling? I keep wondering how we are able to know how things taste and feel in our dreams when we have never experienced them in our waking life...that's when I really truly believe in reincarnation. I know to some that may sound koo-koo and that is fine, but there are things I believe in that others might not. Reincarnation is one of them.

Anyway, the next few dreams were far too painful for me to even repeat and I would rather not. I just know that in my dreams I was not in control, death was inevitable and I think it was an illustration of the pain that still exists in my heart from my miscarriage.

I can't let this stop me, although I know I have been putting off IVF simply because I am afraid it won't work although part of me knows that it will, maybe not the first time, but eventually.

A lot of things have happened to so many of my friends, that it really made me sit with Cris and discuss our options, like how far we will go to have a child.
We've decided we will stop at nothing. We are very much open to donor sperm, donor eggs, both donor eggs and sperm, surrogacy, adoption (domestic), and possibly international adoption although I think there are plenty of children in the US that need homes.

We have also decided that when we are done having children we are going to donate our embryos to a couple who cannot have their own children. A lot of our family doesn't agree with this, and that is fine, but they have never experienced the pain of infertility and if my journey can help someone else in the long run - then that is what I was called to do. I know I have a bigger purpose in life, there is a reason for all of this...and perhaps that is it.

So with that, I wanted to end my entry with a note to my sweet baby that almost was...

"I often think of you, in times of quietness when no one is around. When I see children playing in a park, I wonder if your smile would look like theirs. Would you laugh at the monkeys at the zoo, or clap with the seals at the aquarium? Would you be quiet like Daddy or talkative like Mommy? Would you and Daisy fall asleep together on the couch? Would your eyes be blue or brown? Woudl you be blonde or brunette or even redhead like Mommy's family? What would you have grown up to be?
Of all the things I wish I would have known about you, I think I will always miss that I never had the chance to see your face and hear you laugh. To smell the top of your head, feel your hand grasp my finger, to inhale your breath and to wipe away your tears. I don't think I will ever stop wondering about you or missing you, the hurt will lessen over time, but I think that no matter what, in the quiet moments that exist between myself and God, that's when I will hear your laughter, although unfamiliar, I will know it was you. I love you and you will always be the hope that keeps me going..the promise of a future...the gift of perserverence.."

Still Doing IVF

I've gotten a lot of emails asking if we are still going to be doing IVF. The answer is Yes! For sure, absolutely! That is if I am not pregnant right now :)

IVF for us will be some time between October-January. I am trying to plan it as my due date would be the summer or after, so as long as it doesn't happen before Graduation :)

We are not telling anyone when we cycle, not even this blog. My friends from my infertility support board will know, but other than that no one, well except for my Mom.maybe I will post it but my blog will go private again before I do that.
We are not even telling Cristian's parents until we see a hb and make it out of the 1st trimester.
So stay tuned....my blog will probably be lagging for a while until then.

2 BLOG entries in 1 day, sheesh..I haven't really been online much lately so I guess this is me catching up.

Oh and I just can't wait until my friend Pam has her twins in 2 weeks. I am on pins and needles..I adore Pam, she's a wonderful friend and I can't wait to see her munchkins <3

Possibly Going Organic

I can't even believe I just typed that title. Never in a million years did I think I would mutter those words. Organic? Me? Well believe it. I am weighing the possibility of going completely Organic when it comes to everything Cris and I consume, wash with, wash our clothes and house with.

I just feel like a lot of infertility is due to environmental causes. I keep wondering why infertility is on the rise and I just believe a lot of it has to do with the unnatural shit we keep pumping into our bodies.

My immune system is crappy as it is, so I figured going natural might actually help. Although I cannot eat Soy, that is a BIG no no for Hypothyroidism and Endometriosis.

I'm also thinking of joining some yoga classes as soon as this vertigo goes away.

Summer classes begin next month, ahh I can't wait to be back in the classroom.

So if anyone out there has any suggestions in regards to eating Organic, and going natural with cleaning products and yoga, please leave me some comments.

Public Blog

I decided to open my blog again to the public. The reason I made it private was because I noticed some locations that were reading my blog that made me feel uncomfortable. I guess I just felt like there were some evil eyes on me but I thought about it and I moved on. I decided to go public again because well if my experience can help someone else out there then having a blog serves its purpose, if I keep it private who does it help?


I haven't been doing much of anything with regards to TTC. We're on a break, although in the meantime I have been doing tons of research on possible outcomes and treatment.

I have decided to leave my current RE's office. This makes me sad. I love my Doctor, and while I think he is one of the best REs nationwide, he like many other Reproductive Endocrinologists does not feel that the immune system places a significant role in infertility, as well as clotting disorders. This is where he and I disagree and while I love him and would still very much reccommend him to anyone who needs A.R.T, for me, it is not the right approach.

I have Hashimoto's and I have Endometriosis. I have Prothrombin Gene Mutation and MTHFR. I can't ignore those, they are the very reasons I have fertility issues. Had I just had Endo, any doctor would do, having all these other things, warrants someone who has expertise in those fields. So I went on a hunt. I found a place that I feel 100% confident in their approach. I am going with SIRM in Manhattan. I already spoke to the RE there and will be setting up an appointment at the end of the summer. I have to have some other immune testing done. I am fairly certain that I have elevated NK activity because of my Autoimmune diseases (Hashi & Endo) and a constant slightly elevated WBC.

My thyroid is playing tricks on me again. In February 100mcg of synthroid threw me into slightly hyper, in May, I am back at Hypo. So this teeter totter of my thyroid needs to be worked out. I am now on 112mcg..112 has always been my lucky number ironically - it's my Birthday :)

This last month has been a crazy and scary ride. Cris and I had the flu SOOOOOOO bad. Bad enough that he and I actually went to the Doctor for it, usually we self medicate. Anyway, because we live in NYC and because he works in Queens, we had to be swabbed for the Swine Flu and we weren't allowed to go ANYWHERE for 48 hrs. We were advised that we need to stay in and protect other people in case we did have swine. Obviously, it came back negative. Then last week I wound up having very bad dizzy spells and panic attacks from the dizzy spells. These weren't "oh my, I am so dizzy" spells. These were "holy shit the room is spinning and I am going to die" dizzy spells. They only happened when I layed down, and only on my right side. After 3 days of being completely scared of going to sleep I caved in and went to the ER.

I have Vertigo. I am taking meds for it right now, it still hasn't gone away and I need to make an appointment with a neurologist to figure out why I am getting them.

I am having seriously vivid dreams and AF is due in 2 days and my breasts do not hurt yet - so I am freaking out that I 1) Am possibly pregnant, which would not be a good thing or 2) I did not ovulate yet, or ovulated even later than I thought, which is also not a good thing. The only time my breasts did not hurt was when I was pregnant. Which speaking of....

Friday is my would be due date. I cannot believe the time is here. It feels so unreal. It feels just like it was yesterday that I miscarried. Just another reason for me to be an emotional wreck in the summer.

June and July are by far my most dreaded months of the year.

I dread June because of my EDD and because of Father's day. It just reminds me of all that I have lost in the last 2 years.

July because of our beloved Friend Rob, it will be 1 year of his death on the 4th and July 30th will be 2 years that my father is dead. The sting of both those deaths is so real. Again, just a reminder of all that we have lost.


Well I have to go cook dinner, so I will continue later on....

I hope that whoeever is reading this finds themselves in good health, good spirit and is blessed with all their heart desires.

The Very Reason I Smile....

She's been my rock through so much. My baby girl. My life is complete because of her. I love our little family. Cris, Me and Daisy. I couldn't ask for better Saturday mornings snuggling in bed and goodnight kisses as she wedges between us. Her tail wagging when we walk through the door. She loves her Mommy and boy do I love her!

Update

As promised I am going to fill all my readers in on what has been going on. As most of you know this journey towards becoming parents has been a rough tumultuos battle. Although we have not done many treatments the road to getting where we are has been quite bumpy, quite informative, and to be quite honest quite emotionally draining.

I say it all the time, because it is the honest truth- somehow I always knew deep within my heart that getting pregnant was going to be really hard for me. I didn't know why I felt this way, I just did. Things always felt a little offish about my body...perhaps I am more in-tune with my body than the average woman. In 2003 I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Endometriosis. When I found out I had Endo I cried. Naturally I searched online and all that kept popping up was "Infertility". My worst fears and sneaky suspicions had just been confirmed. Getting pregnant was going to be hard, but I was young, I wasn't ready for a family, I wasn't even married at the time, who cared about fertility then? I did

I really thought Endometriosis would be the worst of the news for me to deal with. Oh but I was so wrong. Just a few short months later and I was diagnosed with Graves Disease Hyperactive thyroid...this one scared me, and I prayed and wished it would go away, that I would rather have Hashimotos, because of the eye problems with Graves. Well becareful what you will. I willed my recovery from Graves right into Hashimotos. Although I suspect that I never had Graves but rather I had Hashimotos all along and was having a hyperactive flare up. This happens A LOT. My new Endocrinologist believes this is the case...either way Hashi or Graves...infertility lingers around.
Not only does Hashimoto's contribute to infertility, the antibodies can cause miscarriages. Not all RE's including mine are convinced this plays a significant role in m/c rates.
Before being diagnosed with Hashi, I was diagnosed with PCOS based on blood work alone. I ovulated on my own, just late (Thanks to Endo). So for years I believed I had Graves, but was not typical, I was not thin, thinner than I am now, oh yes, but thin? Never. So PCOS was the new culprit, that was until the diagnosis of Hashi and being placed on synthroid. All my levels that once indicated PCOS are normal, low end normal, not even borderline high...so PCOS was a misdiagnosis for sure and thus Metformin never did anything for me, except mask my TSH level and allow me to go untreated for months putting on 30+lbs.

So where am I today?

Today I have answers. Today I am in a better place as far as "What is wrong with me?". Today though I am not in a better place as far as "Hope" goes. I still have some, it will take a lot more than this to take that from me.

I have a new diagnosis Ladies and Gents...I had a Thrombophilia panel done to check for blood clotting disorders and autoimmune antibodies.
Well what do you know...

I tested positive for quite a few.
I have APA, Factor II, MTHFR (Homozygous)Slightly elevated Homocysteine levels, and a weak positive for Lupus Anticoagulants.

So what does this mean? This means I am at risk for developing blood clots...in the placenta as well, which means stillbirth, fetal demise, early miscarriage and even infertility.

I am seeing a hematologist on the 25th and hopefully get some answers. I have been taking the Selenium to bring down the Antithyroid antibodies and now I have been taking a baby aspirin. I will most likely be doing Lovenox injections or some type of injections when I get pregnant..maybe before? We will see what the hematologist says next wednesday..

DH's semen analysis came back, worse than last years...His count is above normal as is his motility, his morphology is poor, only 2% are normal, they look for at least 14%.

We were told that his sperm is suitable for IUI and for IVF without ICSI...
We chose to go IVF route.

With so many things going wrong, we want to just get past this all and go with better odds. At least with IVF things are more controlled.
1 follicle on clomid with poor morphology isn't going to really get us anywhere, and if I am going to do injections I want the 60% success rate we were given for IVF over the less than 20% with IUI.

Yes, you read that correctly. Our RE has given us a 60% chance of success...we are happy with those odds...

After I see the hematologist the protocol for IVF will be established, meds, timeline etc. We are hoping for an ER and ET in June! I want to finish out this semester without any worries and hope to spend the summer Preggo!

Well that is it for now....

Trying to remain positive...

IVF Here We Come!!!

We are moving on to IVF, I will update entire situation at another time...there is lots to tell.

Things Have Turned Around....

Well it has been a little while since I've written an entry and a few things have changed quite a bit. Lots of things to be happy about, and still lots of wondering if and when I will have a child still consumes me daily. I guess when you suffer through infertility the wondering never goes away..the hopelessness teeter totters back and forth.

Some parts of me have been jaded from this experience, some parts of me have improved, all in all this experience is shaping me and I just don't really know how I feel about this shaping. On one hand I hate my infertility, it is a curse that has blackened the innocence of conceiving for my husband and I, and then on the otherhand I view itas a blessing. When I become a mother, I know I will look at my children through different eyes than most mothers I will know...for this I am grateful. I am grateful for the sensitive heart that I have, for the easiness of tears, for compassion for others with infertility. These things I am grateful for...for now at least.

Anyway back to the purpose of this update. Well it is confirmed. I have naturally decreased and normalized all hormone levels that indicated PCOS.

My Endocrinologist was the one who diagnosed me without even seeing my ovaries and said that there doesn't need to be cysts, and so he based it on bloodwork levels. Cholesterol, Testosterone etc.
Well since being diagnosed with Hashimotos and being on synthroid, my levels are all normal. {{Hop, Skip, Jump}}
My testosterone isn't even elevated, not even high normal..it is dead smack in the middle of normal!! {{cheese smile}}

The synthroid did the job, in fact it helped a little too much, and the Doctor brought down my synthroid dosage to 88mcg. I originally started out on 75mcg, then did 100mcg and now I am on 88mcg. My TSH level was .34, normal is between .4-4 (between 1-2) for pregnancy. So just need to up it a bit.

DH and I went back to the RE for a few tests. He had his repeate semen analysis, and we both had Karyotype testing done, and I was tested for thrombosis workup..such as lupus anticoagulants, asa, ana, MTHFR gene mutation.

We have to wait until next Thursday for the results of the s/a and hopefully the blood tests as well. They took like 12 viles of blood from me...I almost shit my pants when I seen all the tubes.


We will be returning to Clomid/IUI and Progesterone at the end of the month. I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to, but 15lbs was hard enough to lose with my thyroid and so we have decided to just go for it, and I will worry about losing after the baby is born.

And.....

On a happier note Craig is officially cancer free as of 2-26-09
Just last year they told him he would die by August of 2008...I found out last night that he is doing wonderful and my heart couldn't have smiled any wider.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother



Author Unknown



There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

God, If You're Listening....

I need you to please hear my prayer. I need you to really listen and to work your miracle. You see, I have a very special woman in my life who is currently 20 weeks pregnant. This woman came to be in moments of great despair in my life. When I had given up all hopes of ever becoming a mother, you sent her to me. I know you did. You created a friendship, through the common bond of infertility, you created a friendship through the common bond of Hashimoto's. Well God, today I got some really horrible news from her about her ultrasound. It appears her baby girl has an encephalocele in the back of her head and worst case scenario is she dies before birth. Lord, I really don't want to doubt your capabilities, and I really don't want to be angry with you but I just can't for the life of me understand why all of these horrible things are happening to such good women. There are so many women who abuse their children, who leave their babies in garbage pails or at the entries of hospitals and fire stations. So many 15 year old pregnant girls without any means of taking care of their children. Yet you save these children, and you take away the wanted children from Mother's who are good and kind, mother's who have tried so hard to become pregnant. Why do you do this Lord? Why must my friends suffer? Why did you take my baby away too? Isn't infertility enough of a struggle? Haven't we paid with our tears? Why isn't it enough for you? When will this all make sense?

I am pleading with you, as I tears pour down my face that you please, please, please save her baby.

So He Heard My Prayer....

I asked God to give me just a little hope. To make things just a little bit easier on me. I needed some relief from all that is going on...he heard my prayers.

Firstly, I recieved my bloodwork results. Not my thyroid, but cholesterol, insulin, triglycerides and testosterone is pending. I basically call this my PCOS blood work.

So all my bloodwork in the past indicated PCOS..elevated triglycerides, low HDL (good cholesterol)levels, high LDL, slightly elevated testosterone..

Well ladies and gentleman..as of most recently my triglycerides have gone from 300+ down to 133 (NORMAL RANGE!!)

My HDL has increased from 38 to 43. 50 is normal, so I am on my way.

Total cholesterol is slightly borderline, but that is okay..I am like 2 numbers away from normal range.

Testosterone wasn't back yet..
and the best news ever....

I am not Insulin Resistant!!!! Which explains why Metformin never worked for me. I stopped it immediately and feel so much better. It always gave me anxiety.

And today is Cycle Day 15 and I got a positive OPK!!!

I pray this is the begining of a new chapter in my life!

Doing Everything Right.

I am so so so tired of hearing about people being pregnant. Every time I find out someone else is pregnant my heart just breaks a little more. I am so thrilled for them, but incredibly sad for myself. I have done everything that I am supposed to do to get pregnant, my reward was a miscarriage and 30lbs.

I was told I should quit smoking- so I did...June 25th was the last time I smoked a cigarette. It has been 7 months. I have not had 1 single slip up, I went completely cold turkey. I started clomid that following Saturday, 50mgs, that was the doozy cycle. 2 cycles later and I was pregnant. 1 week later and I wasn't any longer.

So this is what I have resorted to in my latest efforts to hopefully get knocked up miraculously on my own.

1- Gave up carbs..no bread, pasta, rice, sugar, flour, potatoes, corn, peas, carrots etc.

2- Gave up caffeine..no coffee, no soda, nothing.

3- Started back up on Metformin

4- Taking my synthroid religiously

5- Taking 200mg of Selenium

6- Taking Tonalin CLA

I have lost 12lbs since January 19th. This is good progress but nowhere where I need to be. I hope February comes with a 15-20lb loss, I will even settle for 10 if I have to.

On March 3rd I want to walk into my Endocrinologist's office and have him see me have lost 25-35lbs. 13lbs more for the least and 23 for the later..I am sure it will be the lesser amount. But still 25lb loss is great.

Okay I am off to order myself a salad. Yummy!

10lbs!!!

I've lost 10lbs!!!! So exciting, thrilling, I am feeling so optimistic..and I have my period on top of it, so hopefully when my period is over I will actually be a little less!

10lbs til 1st goal
25lbs til 2nd goal until possible clomid again
35lbs til 3rd goal and possible IVF!
45lbs til 4th goal
55lbs til final goal of weight from 6 years ago!

Wishes

Wishes
© By Melissa A. Mullally`

Wishes are meant for you to ponder, they pass along to someone in need, or can be kept all to ourselves. Wishes are sincere in belief that all our hopes and dreams are within reach.

My wishes for you are my own'..They are an everlasting trust that miracles happen and dreams really do come true. Understood is the value of a nurturing heart, the innocence of a child's eyes and the wisdom of an aging hand.

I wish that the morning sky will forever intrigue you and the stardust of the night will captivate you. I wish that you will always see the man in the moon and entrust him with your deepest secrets.

I wish for you a creative spirit that dusts your imagination with youthful dreams and opens you to wonderful surprises just waiting to happen.

I wish for you to yearn for nothing and find contentment from within. That you will always know what to say to a friend, that your compassion will heal, and many more names will be etched in your heart.

Rest In Peace Baby Gabby

This is considerably one of the most heart-wrenching days I have experienced and I am not even the one experiencing it.

Today a woman with whom I share the bond that only women who suffer from infertility share lost her precious 2 month old daughter. G was born with CDH and fought through surgery and recovery as hard as she possibly could. At 10 weeks old this beautiful baby could not fight anymore and she passed away. My heart is so broken for L, for S and for G's twin sister N.

It is a sad day for the girls who have gone through this entire journey with L, we are all incredibly devastated by this tragic outcome.

My only hope is that the prayers we all say will reach L and that as hard as this must be on her and her DH and their entire family that she can heal from this, and that G will forever live on in spirit.

My heart is with you, tonight, tomorrow and for every day that you need it.
May angels watch over you, may God be your strength.

To IVF or Not...

I had my follow up appointment with my endocrinologist in regards to my thyroid, and while Synthroid has definitely helped, I am still not at optimal level.
My TSH has gone from 3.39 to 2.02, which is a great improvement, however, for a successful pregnancy it should be between 0.5/1-2, and closer to 1 is always better.

One of the antibodies tests did not come back, the one that is most dire to my health is still being tested. Apparently it takes a longer time than the other tests.

My Antithyroglobulin levels have gone from 202 to 166. Not great but any improvement is an improvement in my book.

The Thyroid Peroxidase is the one that has not returned yet. That was 6,404 in November. I pray it has gone down..It just has to or I will continue to miscarry subsequent pregnancies, not 100% the case but the odds are surely stacked against me.

The Dr. increased my synthroid dosage to 100mcg. I took my first pill this morning and honestly I feel somewhat different already..is that even possible?


He also wants me back on Metformin, but I have to go for blood work tomorrow morning while fasting to check insulin levels. Then I can come home and restart my Metformin.

As far as TTC goes, I am on a mandated break again.... sigh until at least March 3rd, when I have my follow up appointment.

Then I may just do IVF. I am playing with the idea. Our insurance covers it. So why not do it? I figured I could do that and take baby aspirin, heparin etc to help with autoimmune antibodies.
This is something I am going to discuss with my RE again. We still have to get blood work done to rule out clotting disorders and karyotyping tests and I am also going to request one of those super semen analyses.

So that is what it is...a break again..and in the meantime I am dieting, going to exercise, I hope to be 30lbs lighter by March 3rd. I know I can do it, as long as I try hard.

Current medication:
100mcg Synthroid
500mg of Metformin once daily, will be upped to BID after two weeks
200mg of Selenium (to reduce antibodies)