Revelations.

I've found myself in a very unfamiliar place lately. While I do consider myself spiritual, I don't neccessarily consider myself religious, or so I thought.

I grew up Roman Catholic and attended mass every single sunday. I spent the summers out on Long Island with my grandmother and attended church not only every Sunday morning, but also on Saturday evenings. A lot of wonderful memories involve church and feeling closer to God and unfortunately as the years went on and life unfolded I found myself less connected to Church, and in a sense less connected to God. Don't get me wrong, I do believe one can believe in God, feel close to him and be spiritual without attending church, but for me; being in Church feels GOOD.

There is this peacefulness that resonates within me when I am in church. I just feel good inside, safe if you will; completely connected.

So many things played a role in my eventual seperation from the church. Some things obviously not by choice. My father was not religious and neither were his family. Actually I would consider them to be the furthest thing from spiritual, religious or good in nature period. They are toxic people - but that is another story - for another time. I may not even waste the time to blog about them. I haven't had them in my life for over 4 years and I will keep it that way. My mother however was raised very religious. She came from a very Irish Catholic family and God was ever so present and he was #1 in their lives. They were good wholesome people with a great appreciation for family and for life. May they rest in peace. So this is where my life splits. When my parents seperated back in 1989 my Mom had to go back to work. Since my maternal Grandmother lived out on Long Island I spent most of my time with my Paternal Grandmother when my Mom was working and on Sunday's I spent with my Dad. See where this is going? Church took a full hault in my life and I can honestly say since then it seems like life at times has felt unmanageable and I've felt completely lost and seperated from the goodness of times before.

Church became so unimportant to me that I felt like a hypocrite to get married in one and so we didn't. Then when told the Catholic church frowns upon fertility treatment I shunned it even more. How foolish of me? To throw a tantrum and revolt against a place in which makes me feel whole and good and one with God simply because they don't agree with my choices on what I would do as far as having a baby. I think this is an opportunity to perhaps open the minds of the Catholic church, even if it is one parishoner at a time.

I've done lots of soul searching lately and I realize for a long time I was lost in a place of anger and bitterness. Of wondering why me, and asking God why me? What did I do that was so terrible that all of these things are happening? And then I realize, that THIS is why.

God doesn't give us things simply because we ask. He gives us obstacles to get over and lessons to learn, when we overcome these and we actually LEARN what he wants us to - then we recieve his grace, his reward.
If you ask for patience, he will give it to you, by making you wait, you learn patience from life experience. When you ask for strength, he doesn't just hand it to you, he puts obstacles in your way, you overcoming that is what gives you strength.

I am applying this to my thoughts on fertility now. I will not pray for a child. I know I will become a mother, in his time and I do believe there is so much more for me to learn before this happens. Perhaps THIS is the very reason why I am not a mother just yet. Perhaps I needed to NEED God in my life again, to desire his prescence and to want to go back to the church - not for a child, but for ME, for me to FEEL GOOD. I haven't FELT GOOD in a long time. I feel fine, but not GOOD.

I truly believe God gave me my baby to take her away. (I truly believe she was a girl) I believe her purpose in MY life was to SAVE ME. She is MY ANGEL in so many senses of the word.
I believe I became pregnant for God to let me know that I CAN get pregnant. I believe she was taken away because God needed her, yet he leant her to me, to help me. I should explain that a bit more. You see after my miscarriage I learned of some pretty serious health issues of mine. One's that could be fatal if not known about or taken care of.
I learned I have Hashimoto's which is an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid and while it isn't life threatening persay, going untreated can shut down many organs and cause you to slip into a coma.
I also learned that I have Prothrombin Gene Mutation Factor II. Which is basically a blood clotting disorder which puts my risks for DVT at a higher level than normal population. It also causes miscarriage, late term fetal demise and stillborn, it can also cause embolism etc. I hope you see what I mean when I say she saved my life. Because I don't know what would have happened had I not lost her and not known just how much was wrong with me. I also have MTHFR which requires me to take an extra high dosage of Folic Acid and B12/B6 to prevent nueral tube defects...chances are my LO was a sick baby and chromosomally abnormal as many early losses are. This breaks my heart in more ways than I can explain.

I am at such a peace with the loss of my baby and I know deep within my heart she was far too beautiful for this world and was sent to me to be my angel and while at times it seems like life is kicking me down, I always remember that it could be worse and that I am thankful to know all that I know about my health..mostly because of her.

On another note. I am seeing an allergist/immunologist on July 9th. I may have an intolerance to Gluten which may explain sooooooooo many things.

Gluten Intolerance is most commonly found in women with Endometriosis, Hashimoto's Thyroidits, 85% of women with PCOS and in women with other autoimmune diseases like Meniere's, Lupus, Rhuematoid Arthritis and women with Unexplained infertility.

It has a list of symptoms, I fit almost every single one of them. This may explain why my thyroid levels are so much better on low carbohydrate diets and why I swell up when I eat pizza etc.

So I am going on a gluten free diet soon and hopefully this changes a lot of things in my health. It can only help at this point.

For now, lots of things are up in the air but I am alive and for that I grateful and more than grateful I am genuinely very HAPPY!

& The Music Played....

I have to share this because I really don't know how or why this happened but I am sure some of you will probably think I have lost my marbles but I assure you, as far as I know I have not. LOL

I was in the middle of cleaning. I have my Ipod plugged into my surround sound. I had the thing set to play Alanis Morrisette's album Flavors of Entanglement. So I am cleaning, listening to the music and my mind wanders and I start to think about tomorrow being Father's Day. I start to think of what everyone will be doing tomorrow with their Dads and of course I feel a little sick to my stomach with grief for a moment. Then I realize that DH has not gotten his father a card, I always pick up Mother's Day cards for our Moms but I refuse to do the whole Father's Day thing, I figure he needs to do that, he needs to understand it is still too painful for me.

So like I said all this is going through my head when all of a sudden my ipod switches songs in the middle of a song! It goes to a completely different artist. It is now playing Leona Lewis and the song is Footprints In The Sand!!
Okay so I'm like okay that is odd. So I listen to the song, as I never fully listened to it, I just uploaded the album into my ipod and it starts playing and I start crying. Here are the lyrics:

You walked with me
Footprints in the sand
And helped me understand
Where I’m going
You walked with me
When I was all alone
With so much I no along the way
Then I heard you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

I see my life
Flash across the sky
So many times have I
Been so afraid ooh
And just when I
Have thought I’ve lost my way

You give me strength to carry on
That’s when I heard you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

When I’m weary
Well I no you’ll be there
And I can feel you
When you say

I promise you
I’m always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend
You’ll find my footprints in the sand
You’ll find my footprints in the sand

Okay so I am thinking, hmm maybe my ipod switched to Leona, but then the next song comes on and it's BACK TO ALANIS!!!
So I checked the Ipod, the song is NOT in the Alanis Album by mistake..it just randomly played.

I am convinced that was my Dad talking to me...I have to believe that this was him..there is just no other explanation for this.

Yesterday....

Yesterday I found myself writing two blogs, but totally avoiding the real feelings that were surrounding me.

Yesterday was my E.D.D of my Angel. Yesterday I would have been a Mom, whether I had my baby early or on time, yesterday I SHOULD have been holding my baby.

Instead Yesterday I cried, I slept the day away, I really checked out emotionally. I came online at night, and blogged a bit, read a bit but I wasn't really here. My heart was elsewhere, my mind wandered inside the emptiness of my heart. I have so much to be thankful for, I am truly blessed in so many ways...but is it wrong to just want to be a Mom?

In the past week while battling vertigo and panic attacks I have been having some seriously vivid dreams and all these dreams have to do with Pregnancy, children, protecting the kids and death.

There is a reason for these dreams. In one dream I was pregnant and walking down the street with my friend Tiffany. We were looking for a maternity store for me. I was very much pregnant in the dream, full belly and all. I rubbed my belly and said to her "You know, I haven't felt him move this entire pregnancy" with a worried tone in my voice. She suggested I wiggle my belly and so I did. And then that is when it happened. I got this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomache followed by 3 kicks. I cried in my dream, saying it was the most incredible feeling ever - and it was, because even though it was a dream I FELT IT. I woke up knowing that feeling..how do I know that feeling? I keep wondering how we are able to know how things taste and feel in our dreams when we have never experienced them in our waking life...that's when I really truly believe in reincarnation. I know to some that may sound koo-koo and that is fine, but there are things I believe in that others might not. Reincarnation is one of them.

Anyway, the next few dreams were far too painful for me to even repeat and I would rather not. I just know that in my dreams I was not in control, death was inevitable and I think it was an illustration of the pain that still exists in my heart from my miscarriage.

I can't let this stop me, although I know I have been putting off IVF simply because I am afraid it won't work although part of me knows that it will, maybe not the first time, but eventually.

A lot of things have happened to so many of my friends, that it really made me sit with Cris and discuss our options, like how far we will go to have a child.
We've decided we will stop at nothing. We are very much open to donor sperm, donor eggs, both donor eggs and sperm, surrogacy, adoption (domestic), and possibly international adoption although I think there are plenty of children in the US that need homes.

We have also decided that when we are done having children we are going to donate our embryos to a couple who cannot have their own children. A lot of our family doesn't agree with this, and that is fine, but they have never experienced the pain of infertility and if my journey can help someone else in the long run - then that is what I was called to do. I know I have a bigger purpose in life, there is a reason for all of this...and perhaps that is it.

So with that, I wanted to end my entry with a note to my sweet baby that almost was...

"I often think of you, in times of quietness when no one is around. When I see children playing in a park, I wonder if your smile would look like theirs. Would you laugh at the monkeys at the zoo, or clap with the seals at the aquarium? Would you be quiet like Daddy or talkative like Mommy? Would you and Daisy fall asleep together on the couch? Would your eyes be blue or brown? Woudl you be blonde or brunette or even redhead like Mommy's family? What would you have grown up to be?
Of all the things I wish I would have known about you, I think I will always miss that I never had the chance to see your face and hear you laugh. To smell the top of your head, feel your hand grasp my finger, to inhale your breath and to wipe away your tears. I don't think I will ever stop wondering about you or missing you, the hurt will lessen over time, but I think that no matter what, in the quiet moments that exist between myself and God, that's when I will hear your laughter, although unfamiliar, I will know it was you. I love you and you will always be the hope that keeps me going..the promise of a future...the gift of perserverence.."

Still Doing IVF

I've gotten a lot of emails asking if we are still going to be doing IVF. The answer is Yes! For sure, absolutely! That is if I am not pregnant right now :)

IVF for us will be some time between October-January. I am trying to plan it as my due date would be the summer or after, so as long as it doesn't happen before Graduation :)

We are not telling anyone when we cycle, not even this blog. My friends from my infertility support board will know, but other than that no one, well except for my Mom.maybe I will post it but my blog will go private again before I do that.
We are not even telling Cristian's parents until we see a hb and make it out of the 1st trimester.
So stay tuned....my blog will probably be lagging for a while until then.

2 BLOG entries in 1 day, sheesh..I haven't really been online much lately so I guess this is me catching up.

Oh and I just can't wait until my friend Pam has her twins in 2 weeks. I am on pins and needles..I adore Pam, she's a wonderful friend and I can't wait to see her munchkins <3

Possibly Going Organic

I can't even believe I just typed that title. Never in a million years did I think I would mutter those words. Organic? Me? Well believe it. I am weighing the possibility of going completely Organic when it comes to everything Cris and I consume, wash with, wash our clothes and house with.

I just feel like a lot of infertility is due to environmental causes. I keep wondering why infertility is on the rise and I just believe a lot of it has to do with the unnatural shit we keep pumping into our bodies.

My immune system is crappy as it is, so I figured going natural might actually help. Although I cannot eat Soy, that is a BIG no no for Hypothyroidism and Endometriosis.

I'm also thinking of joining some yoga classes as soon as this vertigo goes away.

Summer classes begin next month, ahh I can't wait to be back in the classroom.

So if anyone out there has any suggestions in regards to eating Organic, and going natural with cleaning products and yoga, please leave me some comments.

Public Blog

I decided to open my blog again to the public. The reason I made it private was because I noticed some locations that were reading my blog that made me feel uncomfortable. I guess I just felt like there were some evil eyes on me but I thought about it and I moved on. I decided to go public again because well if my experience can help someone else out there then having a blog serves its purpose, if I keep it private who does it help?


I haven't been doing much of anything with regards to TTC. We're on a break, although in the meantime I have been doing tons of research on possible outcomes and treatment.

I have decided to leave my current RE's office. This makes me sad. I love my Doctor, and while I think he is one of the best REs nationwide, he like many other Reproductive Endocrinologists does not feel that the immune system places a significant role in infertility, as well as clotting disorders. This is where he and I disagree and while I love him and would still very much reccommend him to anyone who needs A.R.T, for me, it is not the right approach.

I have Hashimoto's and I have Endometriosis. I have Prothrombin Gene Mutation and MTHFR. I can't ignore those, they are the very reasons I have fertility issues. Had I just had Endo, any doctor would do, having all these other things, warrants someone who has expertise in those fields. So I went on a hunt. I found a place that I feel 100% confident in their approach. I am going with SIRM in Manhattan. I already spoke to the RE there and will be setting up an appointment at the end of the summer. I have to have some other immune testing done. I am fairly certain that I have elevated NK activity because of my Autoimmune diseases (Hashi & Endo) and a constant slightly elevated WBC.

My thyroid is playing tricks on me again. In February 100mcg of synthroid threw me into slightly hyper, in May, I am back at Hypo. So this teeter totter of my thyroid needs to be worked out. I am now on 112mcg..112 has always been my lucky number ironically - it's my Birthday :)

This last month has been a crazy and scary ride. Cris and I had the flu SOOOOOOO bad. Bad enough that he and I actually went to the Doctor for it, usually we self medicate. Anyway, because we live in NYC and because he works in Queens, we had to be swabbed for the Swine Flu and we weren't allowed to go ANYWHERE for 48 hrs. We were advised that we need to stay in and protect other people in case we did have swine. Obviously, it came back negative. Then last week I wound up having very bad dizzy spells and panic attacks from the dizzy spells. These weren't "oh my, I am so dizzy" spells. These were "holy shit the room is spinning and I am going to die" dizzy spells. They only happened when I layed down, and only on my right side. After 3 days of being completely scared of going to sleep I caved in and went to the ER.

I have Vertigo. I am taking meds for it right now, it still hasn't gone away and I need to make an appointment with a neurologist to figure out why I am getting them.

I am having seriously vivid dreams and AF is due in 2 days and my breasts do not hurt yet - so I am freaking out that I 1) Am possibly pregnant, which would not be a good thing or 2) I did not ovulate yet, or ovulated even later than I thought, which is also not a good thing. The only time my breasts did not hurt was when I was pregnant. Which speaking of....

Friday is my would be due date. I cannot believe the time is here. It feels so unreal. It feels just like it was yesterday that I miscarried. Just another reason for me to be an emotional wreck in the summer.

June and July are by far my most dreaded months of the year.

I dread June because of my EDD and because of Father's day. It just reminds me of all that I have lost in the last 2 years.

July because of our beloved Friend Rob, it will be 1 year of his death on the 4th and July 30th will be 2 years that my father is dead. The sting of both those deaths is so real. Again, just a reminder of all that we have lost.


Well I have to go cook dinner, so I will continue later on....

I hope that whoeever is reading this finds themselves in good health, good spirit and is blessed with all their heart desires.