Godfather!!!

Yes, it is official, Cristian is the baby's Godfather. I am so thrilled. This is a wonderful thing that we can both share in together. Our Godchild!

So excited!

Can't wait to go shopping!!!

Does It Sting?

That's what a friend of mine asked me in reference to my SIL being pregnant. I mean one has to be completely honest and truthful when it comes to emotions, because really who are we fooling when we deny? Clearly not ourselves, and if we can't fool ourselves what makes us think that we could pull one over on anyone else?

So...Does it sting?

No

Did it?

Oh yes.

I can't lie. When I found out I was mixed with emotions. Of course I was undeniably happy for her and then on the flipside, absolutely devastated for Cris and I. I took one look at his face when I told him and his eyes filled with water. He hugged me and told me, our time will come - and it will...but he clearly seen my heart beating in my throat the puddles that my eyes were forming.

It stung for many reasons. First being that I am nowhere in the right frame of mind to get pregnant. I am not emotionally stable right now with all this anxiety I am going through. Financially we have seen better days...but who hasn't in this economy?

I had this whole plan, and it fell apart. Somewhere along the lines my mind and body decided to tell me NO MORE - NOT NOW - WE NEED TIME...unfortunately my heart hasn't gotten the memo yet. I guess there is an aching that will remain with me indefinitely. I suspect this will even linger on after having children.

It stung because I found out right around the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. It stung because her due date is 1 day before my old EDD. But perhaps this is a way for me to celebrate that day, to let go of the pain that I associate with it.

It stung because we were supposed to do IVF last month, and I just couldn't go through with it. It stung because it came so unexpected and by surprise for her...and I sometimes wish in the midst of all of this chaos, that somehow it would happen that way for me...maybe someday it will...but today is not that day.

I don't admit this to many people, because let's face it, this is not about me. It is about her and her joyous time being pregnant. It was/is her time to shine..so I step aside, infertility playing second fiddle off in the distance...enjoying the moment with her.

The same friend admitted to me that she thought I would be mad at her for having had to have an abortion last month. How could I? Her body is not my own, that child was not mine, the decision was not mine to make...and while it is almost impossible to understand, despite how hard this road has been for me...I am still very much pro-choice...a stance that many women in my situation cannot fathom..but like I told my friend "My fertility has no bearings on anyone elses life"
She said she thought I was such a wonderful friend to support her and accept her decision, despite how hard it was for her to make, I know she made the right choice...if in her situation, I would have done the same. I guess hearing that from me, eased some of her pain, helped her lose some of her guilt.

At the end of the day what it boils down to is...no one has what I want, so how can I be jealous?
I don't want someone elses baby, I want MY BABY, whether biological or not, MY CHILD is what I long for, so I never envy the life of another woman - for any reason...
no one has what I desperately seek to accomplish.

A family with MY husband...and right now, our little family is suffice..although I will admit, in the quiet hours, I often think of her....it's just something I know I will always do.

New Job - Hopefully...

Today I went on a job interview. I haven't worked in 3 years and that seems like an eternity. I decided to get a job in retail because 1) I am going to be student teaching in September and I can change my hours and 2) I am still going to school - so I am not really looking for a career. The interview seemed to have gone really well. I have a follow-up interview with the head honcho at the store...and where is this place you ask?

Babies R Us..smart idea? Not too sure? I guess I will find out sooner or later..or not..all depending on whether I get the job. But I think they were pretty impressed with my vast knowledge of baby products considering I am not a parent. Did I feel the need to divulge the last 2 hellish years of my life? Not exactly..and so I didn't. I just "blamed" my knowledge on my friends kids. Not the fact that I have looked at and pretty much designed and planned my future children's nurseries, carseats, strollers etc...if you haven't ever experienced infertility-this just sounds like a crazed baby obsessed woman, however if you have been through this rollercoaster ride, you know exactly why I had the NEED to do that.
Planning all these things leads your head to believe there is hope. It gives you things to look forward you, in a sense it helps you continue the fight.

Today while in BRU, I wasn't reminded of all that I didn't have, all that I could've had and lost, but rather what will be - someday - when the timing is right, when I feel whole again. I didn't feel saddness or emptiness or a longing, which I totally thought I would. Instead I felt excitement for a new job, working with the one thing I love more than anything...children and children's products.

My Mom wasn't too sure about this choice, but they called me for a job, and I want to work ASAP. I need to. Not working does ZERO for my anxiety and depression and I am hoping this just pulls me right out of this...I just want to feel like ME again.

Which leads me to tonight. I was fine all day. 3 hr interview NOT ONE SINGLE feeling of anxiety..tonight....ANXIETY.

I am getting so frustrated with myself and fearing this will never go away...but I have got to let God take over. I NEED him to take over..I have to release this to him, because clearly I can't handle this on my own.

So I am asking for prayers. Just pray that my anxiety goes away. I can deal with infertility, I can deal with a lot of things, but anxiety is just soooooo debilitating.
This is why I am settling for a job that pays only 8.00 an hour, and working probably at most 30 hrs a week, because anywhere outside of my head is a better place to be....

This Shouldn't Annoy Me...But It Does...

This can be a major "change" and "peace" set back for me...and I will more than likely bring this up at therapy..and my therapist will tell me to feel flattered, and not to care but it brings up some really resentful feelings on my behalf.

I wonder why these people are reading my blog. The very people who said some really HURTFUL and NASTY things about me..the very people who posted all over facebook about how they were "so over me". People who took what I CONFIDED in them and told the world. People who pretend to be friends.

Why are they reading my blog?

Why do you care about my life? Did the first one read about my anxiety and then text the other to boast about it? Did it make you smile? It probably did - and if it did...you really should question the type of human being you are.

Just know that I know, you read my blog, for whatever reason, you do...

And just know that...I haven't given you a second thought...that is until today as I seen you read my blog...and tomorrow I will have forgotten all about you again.

Things I Have Given Up...

I haven't smoked in 500 days. That is a long time for a smoker, over a year to be exact :)

I haven't bitten my nails in 75 days. Which is a miracle considering my anxiety.

I haven't consumed caffeine in 74 days.

The pay off of not biting my nails: Pretty nails that are all my own :)



And these have been filed quite a few times to keep them this "Short"

Chili Time

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a great cook. I have been cooking since I am about 11 years old. My husband is infatuated with my cooking and I believe it is probably why he married me LOL. I make an array of food, ranging from Spanish to Chinese. I even make homemade pizza...which EVERYONE I know says is the best pizza they have ever eaten. That makes me smile! So I figured tonight's blog will be about my chili, and I think at the end I will throw in a picture of my homemade pizza.

So here are the ingredients:


Missing from the picture is the Spanish Onion and Green and Red Peppers I was already sauteeing:


Then you brown the meat:


Then you add the chili mix and the chili powder, onion powder, black pepper:


Then comes the beans:


Finally you add the small cans of tomato sauce:


I let it simmer and then serve it over white rice, drizzle some red devil hot sauce and top with Extra Sharp Cheddar cheese, in this case I used WHITE Cheddar because the store did not have Yellow.


And that is the final outcome...oh, and I don't care if you don't like my cheap paper plates from costco, it meant less dishes for me to do tonight LOL.

and as promised, an oldie but yummy, my homemade pizza:

Midterm, Therapy and Retail

So perhaps my blog about my anxiety about my midterm set the path for the following day. It really is amazing how much our minds can create or dictate every situation's path.
Monday morning I left my house to go to school. As soon as I turned the key, I started crying..bawling...sobbing...like a scared 5 year old heading to her first day of Kindergarten. As I walked up the block, heading towards the bus my chest felt like it was caving in. I immediately dialed my mother, sobbing to her I confessed that I was sure I was going to fail this test, and that I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this...in the middle of my heartfelt crying episode, outside in public no less, my wonderful husband calls to remind me that I forgot to pack him lunch...grrrr...really? Did he really just say this to me? Followed by, if you fail this class, that's it, school is done. Great way to layer on the pressure genius. He is usually so supportive, gentle and kind...he rubbed me the wrong way Monday for sure..and my Therapist heard all about it on Tuesday.
Anyway I cried the bus ride to school, wiping my tears as fast as they came falling down. Having panic attacks on a crowded NYC bus is NOT fun. I am still crying by the time I get there. I contemplate going to the department before class, instead I went to class. My Professor took one look at me and told me to calm down. I told her that I am just so damn stressed out..so tired of feeling like this, like I can't get a grip on ANYTHING in my life right now. She told me to RELAX and that I am not going to fail her class, not even if I fail the midterm. About 20 mins later my ativan kicked in...so of course I am fucking EXHAUSTED from crying and now I am in total relaxation mode. It took me an HOUR, I never take an HOUR to finish an exam..20 mins TOPS. Bad sign...we shall see. After class we spoke. She asked me if I was on an antidepressant. I told her yes, I was taking Pristiq, she told me she is on Lexapro. I really appreciated her telling me that..I can't explain the feeling it left me with..that she really did UNDERSTAND me...and I NEEDED that, at that very moment.

So therapy was the following day and we talked about how I worked myself up for something as simple as a test because I have declared this class as the end all be all of classes, which it practically is. I love my Therapist...I wish I would have went to her years ago, this probably never would have occured.

I then went shopping with my BFF, for her new apartment. Whcih was a little exhausting, she's very indecisive, as am I, so put us together and it is a trainwreck..then we sat and talked about our issues..it's nice to be able to relate to someone, not nice that she's going through shit too, but I feel less alone.

I seen too many cute things for my godchild, can't wait to find out if it is a boy or girl so I can start shopping...I am just going to have to keep reminding myself that this is not my kid and to slow down on the spending LOL.


I also went back to my regular Dr for sono results, since my spleen seems to bother me here and there..everything came back normal, just turns out around Ovulation time my spleen gets tender..I wonder if Endo can go there?
All blood work was fine, except Vitamin D, so I got these super duper prescription strength Vit D 50,000 unit pills. I take 1 ONCE a week, for 2 months..then check level again. My level was only 7. This could play a role in my depression..and I am also anemic, but I knew this...

Other than that..nothing to report. I just keep praying my SIL and the baby fair well during this pregnancy. I am looking forward to an uncomplicated pregnancy, or at least I am PRAYING for one.

H1N1 Vaccine? No Thanks....

So I went to the Doctor today, and asked again for the umpteenth time if I should get the swine flu vaccine...her response: NO WAY!

She doesn't believe it has been studied enough and even though I have asthma I will be fine if I contract it.

SIL asked her OBGYN if she should get it, he told her he doesn't reccommend it, even though she is pregnant.

So we are skipping the vaccine..anyone and everyone who knows me - knows that I am into delayed vaccines anyway and I have NEVER gotten the flu shot in my life. I see no reason for it. There are things I think are useless. My children will never get the Chicken Pox Vaccine, I had Chicken Pox and I was fine, and I won't make my daughters get the the HPV vaccine either since it is now being linked to infertility.

I just see no reason to pump our bodies full of a live disease, to POSSIBLY prevent it, because the vaccine doesn't even guarantee our safety.

Anxiety - Oh How I Hate Thee.

I have a love/hate relationship with my anxiety. I hate it for obvious reasons - being that it is almost nearly impossible to function like a normal human being in the midst of anxiety at its most heightened state. I love, or should I say I appreciate it for forcing me to do what I should have done for a very long time. That is dealing with whatever is bothering me at the moment, AT THE MOMENT..not 3 years from now, or 3 months from now, RIGHT NOW. I find myself these days, having a love/hate relationship with everything that exists in my life...by love, I really should say understand/appreciate/accept.

Like right now, I should be studying for my Spanish midterm tomorrow. I mean I REALLY should be studying, because the last 3 months of school have been a complete fucking fog to me - again because of the anxiety. So the routine is that I freak out over having to conjugate and change everything from direct obj pronouns to indirect object pronouns, from preterite to present..and I just am fucking lost...at least I can say puta and make no mistake whatsoever..Puta is Puta, there is no changing it...you are a Puta in the past and a Puta in the present..not everything is that clear cut in Spanish...so yeah, see I just went off on a tangent again...so this is what happens. I freak out knowing my Professor is completely disappointed in me this semester, because I am not the A student I was last semester or the semester before. I am current the B student, bordering on becoming the C student...insert break here..I needed to take my Ativan, because in all seriousness, it's about to get pretty intense if I don't. This is what I have become...some pill popping, nervous, infertile (just had to throw that in), overweight, stressed the fuck out college student...at 28!

I wonder if adults can develop ADD, and if they can, I think I have it...but then again I suffer from Anxiety, so I think I have EVERYTHING...I do have a lot of things, but not nearly as bad as my head can sometimes wander into thinking I have...

It's 10pm...so I think I really should go study...or I can say fuck it, and just not stress about the big fat 50 I will get on my exam...but this is me..and I am a perfectionist...and a 50 will just not suffice..hell I will probably cry over an 80.

I tried to explain to my mother how it goes. I told her I will sit down, study, freak out, take my meds, continue to study, drift off, meds kick in, start yawning, get really tired...too tired to study, go to bed, freaking out that I didn't study nearly enough, dream about failing my test or dreaming of something else I have surpressed for the last 28 years of my life and wake up with massive anxiety and not want to go to school...but force myself because there are no make up exams, show up, take the test, sweat, come home and shit my brains out from stress....

and 99% of what I just wrote will not occur, but this is what my brain does....hello Anxiety!