I have a love/hate relationship with my anxiety. I hate it for obvious reasons - being that it is almost nearly impossible to function like a normal human being in the midst of anxiety at its most heightened state. I love, or should I say I appreciate it for forcing me to do what I should have done for a very long time. That is dealing with whatever is bothering me at the moment, AT THE MOMENT..not 3 years from now, or 3 months from now, RIGHT NOW. I find myself these days, having a love/hate relationship with everything that exists in my life...by love, I really should say understand/appreciate/accept.
Like right now, I should be studying for my Spanish midterm tomorrow. I mean I REALLY should be studying, because the last 3 months of school have been a complete fucking fog to me - again because of the anxiety. So the routine is that I freak out over having to conjugate and change everything from direct obj pronouns to indirect object pronouns, from preterite to present..and I just am fucking lost...at least I can say puta and make no mistake whatsoever..Puta is Puta, there is no changing it...you are a Puta in the past and a Puta in the present..not everything is that clear cut in Spanish...so yeah, see I just went off on a tangent again...so this is what happens. I freak out knowing my Professor is completely disappointed in me this semester, because I am not the A student I was last semester or the semester before. I am current the B student, bordering on becoming the C student...insert break here..I needed to take my Ativan, because in all seriousness, it's about to get pretty intense if I don't. This is what I have become...some pill popping, nervous, infertile (just had to throw that in), overweight, stressed the fuck out college student...at 28!
I wonder if adults can develop ADD, and if they can, I think I have it...but then again I suffer from Anxiety, so I think I have EVERYTHING...I do have a lot of things, but not nearly as bad as my head can sometimes wander into thinking I have...
It's 10pm...so I think I really should go study...or I can say fuck it, and just not stress about the big fat 50 I will get on my exam...but this is me..and I am a perfectionist...and a 50 will just not suffice..hell I will probably cry over an 80.
I tried to explain to my mother how it goes. I told her I will sit down, study, freak out, take my meds, continue to study, drift off, meds kick in, start yawning, get really tired...too tired to study, go to bed, freaking out that I didn't study nearly enough, dream about failing my test or dreaming of something else I have surpressed for the last 28 years of my life and wake up with massive anxiety and not want to go to school...but force myself because there are no make up exams, show up, take the test, sweat, come home and shit my brains out from stress....
and 99% of what I just wrote will not occur, but this is what my brain does....hello Anxiety!
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