Midterm, Therapy and Retail

So perhaps my blog about my anxiety about my midterm set the path for the following day. It really is amazing how much our minds can create or dictate every situation's path.
Monday morning I left my house to go to school. As soon as I turned the key, I started crying..bawling...sobbing...like a scared 5 year old heading to her first day of Kindergarten. As I walked up the block, heading towards the bus my chest felt like it was caving in. I immediately dialed my mother, sobbing to her I confessed that I was sure I was going to fail this test, and that I am just so sick and tired of feeling like this...in the middle of my heartfelt crying episode, outside in public no less, my wonderful husband calls to remind me that I forgot to pack him lunch...grrrr...really? Did he really just say this to me? Followed by, if you fail this class, that's it, school is done. Great way to layer on the pressure genius. He is usually so supportive, gentle and kind...he rubbed me the wrong way Monday for sure..and my Therapist heard all about it on Tuesday.
Anyway I cried the bus ride to school, wiping my tears as fast as they came falling down. Having panic attacks on a crowded NYC bus is NOT fun. I am still crying by the time I get there. I contemplate going to the department before class, instead I went to class. My Professor took one look at me and told me to calm down. I told her that I am just so damn stressed out..so tired of feeling like this, like I can't get a grip on ANYTHING in my life right now. She told me to RELAX and that I am not going to fail her class, not even if I fail the midterm. About 20 mins later my ativan kicked in...so of course I am fucking EXHAUSTED from crying and now I am in total relaxation mode. It took me an HOUR, I never take an HOUR to finish an exam..20 mins TOPS. Bad sign...we shall see. After class we spoke. She asked me if I was on an antidepressant. I told her yes, I was taking Pristiq, she told me she is on Lexapro. I really appreciated her telling me that..I can't explain the feeling it left me with..that she really did UNDERSTAND me...and I NEEDED that, at that very moment.

So therapy was the following day and we talked about how I worked myself up for something as simple as a test because I have declared this class as the end all be all of classes, which it practically is. I love my Therapist...I wish I would have went to her years ago, this probably never would have occured.

I then went shopping with my BFF, for her new apartment. Whcih was a little exhausting, she's very indecisive, as am I, so put us together and it is a trainwreck..then we sat and talked about our issues..it's nice to be able to relate to someone, not nice that she's going through shit too, but I feel less alone.

I seen too many cute things for my godchild, can't wait to find out if it is a boy or girl so I can start shopping...I am just going to have to keep reminding myself that this is not my kid and to slow down on the spending LOL.


I also went back to my regular Dr for sono results, since my spleen seems to bother me here and there..everything came back normal, just turns out around Ovulation time my spleen gets tender..I wonder if Endo can go there?
All blood work was fine, except Vitamin D, so I got these super duper prescription strength Vit D 50,000 unit pills. I take 1 ONCE a week, for 2 months..then check level again. My level was only 7. This could play a role in my depression..and I am also anemic, but I knew this...

Other than that..nothing to report. I just keep praying my SIL and the baby fair well during this pregnancy. I am looking forward to an uncomplicated pregnancy, or at least I am PRAYING for one.