Revelations.

I've found myself in a very unfamiliar place lately. While I do consider myself spiritual, I don't neccessarily consider myself religious, or so I thought.

I grew up Roman Catholic and attended mass every single sunday. I spent the summers out on Long Island with my grandmother and attended church not only every Sunday morning, but also on Saturday evenings. A lot of wonderful memories involve church and feeling closer to God and unfortunately as the years went on and life unfolded I found myself less connected to Church, and in a sense less connected to God. Don't get me wrong, I do believe one can believe in God, feel close to him and be spiritual without attending church, but for me; being in Church feels GOOD.

There is this peacefulness that resonates within me when I am in church. I just feel good inside, safe if you will; completely connected.

So many things played a role in my eventual seperation from the church. Some things obviously not by choice. My father was not religious and neither were his family. Actually I would consider them to be the furthest thing from spiritual, religious or good in nature period. They are toxic people - but that is another story - for another time. I may not even waste the time to blog about them. I haven't had them in my life for over 4 years and I will keep it that way. My mother however was raised very religious. She came from a very Irish Catholic family and God was ever so present and he was #1 in their lives. They were good wholesome people with a great appreciation for family and for life. May they rest in peace. So this is where my life splits. When my parents seperated back in 1989 my Mom had to go back to work. Since my maternal Grandmother lived out on Long Island I spent most of my time with my Paternal Grandmother when my Mom was working and on Sunday's I spent with my Dad. See where this is going? Church took a full hault in my life and I can honestly say since then it seems like life at times has felt unmanageable and I've felt completely lost and seperated from the goodness of times before.

Church became so unimportant to me that I felt like a hypocrite to get married in one and so we didn't. Then when told the Catholic church frowns upon fertility treatment I shunned it even more. How foolish of me? To throw a tantrum and revolt against a place in which makes me feel whole and good and one with God simply because they don't agree with my choices on what I would do as far as having a baby. I think this is an opportunity to perhaps open the minds of the Catholic church, even if it is one parishoner at a time.

I've done lots of soul searching lately and I realize for a long time I was lost in a place of anger and bitterness. Of wondering why me, and asking God why me? What did I do that was so terrible that all of these things are happening? And then I realize, that THIS is why.

God doesn't give us things simply because we ask. He gives us obstacles to get over and lessons to learn, when we overcome these and we actually LEARN what he wants us to - then we recieve his grace, his reward.
If you ask for patience, he will give it to you, by making you wait, you learn patience from life experience. When you ask for strength, he doesn't just hand it to you, he puts obstacles in your way, you overcoming that is what gives you strength.

I am applying this to my thoughts on fertility now. I will not pray for a child. I know I will become a mother, in his time and I do believe there is so much more for me to learn before this happens. Perhaps THIS is the very reason why I am not a mother just yet. Perhaps I needed to NEED God in my life again, to desire his prescence and to want to go back to the church - not for a child, but for ME, for me to FEEL GOOD. I haven't FELT GOOD in a long time. I feel fine, but not GOOD.

I truly believe God gave me my baby to take her away. (I truly believe she was a girl) I believe her purpose in MY life was to SAVE ME. She is MY ANGEL in so many senses of the word.
I believe I became pregnant for God to let me know that I CAN get pregnant. I believe she was taken away because God needed her, yet he leant her to me, to help me. I should explain that a bit more. You see after my miscarriage I learned of some pretty serious health issues of mine. One's that could be fatal if not known about or taken care of.
I learned I have Hashimoto's which is an autoimmune disease of the Thyroid and while it isn't life threatening persay, going untreated can shut down many organs and cause you to slip into a coma.
I also learned that I have Prothrombin Gene Mutation Factor II. Which is basically a blood clotting disorder which puts my risks for DVT at a higher level than normal population. It also causes miscarriage, late term fetal demise and stillborn, it can also cause embolism etc. I hope you see what I mean when I say she saved my life. Because I don't know what would have happened had I not lost her and not known just how much was wrong with me. I also have MTHFR which requires me to take an extra high dosage of Folic Acid and B12/B6 to prevent nueral tube defects...chances are my LO was a sick baby and chromosomally abnormal as many early losses are. This breaks my heart in more ways than I can explain.

I am at such a peace with the loss of my baby and I know deep within my heart she was far too beautiful for this world and was sent to me to be my angel and while at times it seems like life is kicking me down, I always remember that it could be worse and that I am thankful to know all that I know about my health..mostly because of her.

On another note. I am seeing an allergist/immunologist on July 9th. I may have an intolerance to Gluten which may explain sooooooooo many things.

Gluten Intolerance is most commonly found in women with Endometriosis, Hashimoto's Thyroidits, 85% of women with PCOS and in women with other autoimmune diseases like Meniere's, Lupus, Rhuematoid Arthritis and women with Unexplained infertility.

It has a list of symptoms, I fit almost every single one of them. This may explain why my thyroid levels are so much better on low carbohydrate diets and why I swell up when I eat pizza etc.

So I am going on a gluten free diet soon and hopefully this changes a lot of things in my health. It can only help at this point.

For now, lots of things are up in the air but I am alive and for that I grateful and more than grateful I am genuinely very HAPPY!