Broken

I feel like an idiot. Because I was always the type who thought getting over such an early miscarriage has to be an easy thing. Maybe for some people it is, and I was foolish to think I would be one of those people.

Although I am still pregnant at the moment, knowing this is ending, and having time to prepare for it doesn't offer much solace at all. Having spent so long trying to become pregnant, it became a way of life for me, TTC became who I was. I was no longer Kelly, funny friend, spunky daughter, happy wife. I was a crazy "Gimme a Baby" lady.

I was so scared thinking I would NEVER conceive, and it doesn't cross your mind that you will miscarry, that is the LAST thing you think about when getting fertility treatment. You think every month is going to fail, like the months before, so you are prepared to see a negative pregnancy test or expect your period to come and you aren't shocked when she does arrive, and every month, the disappointment of her lessens and you kind of get used to seeing her monthly...

But what happens when the test isn't negative, when your period doesn't show and you are told you are pregnant.

You freeze, in total shock, for a moment the world stops spinning. All that really exists in your mind, is you, your husband and the prospects of this baby that will be growing inside you for the next few months. When you finally catch your breath, you think this can't be true, you've waited so long, you've prayed so hard and finally God thinks you deserve this gift.

You run to show your husband the test, you are so proud of yourself, perfect little wife that you are, and now you are going to be a Mommy, and give your husband the gift of being called Daddy...in just a few months you will look into the eyes of a child that is part of you and the most incredible man you have ever known, and in that instant you realize that THIS is what life is about...The meaning of life is just that - LIFE.

In 5 minutes I think I envisioned everything that this child would represent for me. A new set of dreams, new plans, a whole new life. It would take my marriage to a new level, take my own soul to a new level, there would be parts of me that would appear that I never knew existed. In just a few days I became so attached to what this child was going to be like...I didn't think for one minute this was going to happen.

When my first set of hcg levels came back low, I thought okay, well it is early, lets give it some time, when the 2nd set came back still low, I knew it was over. Cristian admits he knew it too.

I knew the morning going in for my 3rd beta test that this was it. I cried in the office as they drew blood, because I knew I was getting the call that I was losing this pregnancy.

On the train ride home, I tried thinking of a 101 different things to keep my mind off of what the rest of my night was going to be like. I prepared myself for the worst, or so I thought.

When the time passed that they were to call me, I called them. When I heard her say "Unfortunately..." that is all she had to say, I knew right then and there, that she was going to tell me that all these dreams I just had, all these plans, these hopes, that they were over. That I would have to look at my husband and tell him that the baby he has been crying for, aching for with me, was never going to be, at least not this baby.

I didn't know how to control myself, as I let out the biggest cry when I hung up the phone. I stood here, where I am sitting right now, with my hand over my mouth, as I screamed "Please God No!", I tried to gain some composure, as my hands shook I called Cristian and told him to come home. He said "Oh no baby, what is wrong?", I didn't want to tell him on the phone..I didn't want him to have to think about that on the train ride home, I just told him to come home now, and he said "It's over isn't it?" and I let out such a deep sob to him and I apologized, because I know I've failed him, and he is such a good man, and he deserves a child..and I just felt so broken.

When he hung up I called my Mother, when I said "Mom" she knew and she said "I will be there in 10 mins" she left work. When she got here she was covered in tears. She mourned this loss too, she was so excited to be a Grandma, she held me and I cried into her arms.

I feel like I have let down both my husband and my mother. I will never know Why this happened, it will never make any sense to me, and I don't mourn for myself, because for some reason I keep blaming myself, I cry for what I am not able to give my husband and my mother, a child and a grandchild.

I never knew that I would feel so empty, and my body is holding on to this pregnancy, because I think it really isn't ready to let go, it knows how long we've tried, but really I need this to start and be over already, the long drawn out process is something I can totally do without.

Needless to say, for the next few months, we will be on a TTC break. I need time to heal, to regain some of who I was before this all began.


I will never forget what it felt like for those few short moments, when I was innocent and pregnant, when dreams and hopes weren't jaded...

I know I will never know those feelings again..for next time I will fear the same thing happening again.

All I can do is pray, and trust that God knows what he is doing, even if I do not.