Does It Sting?

That's what a friend of mine asked me in reference to my SIL being pregnant. I mean one has to be completely honest and truthful when it comes to emotions, because really who are we fooling when we deny? Clearly not ourselves, and if we can't fool ourselves what makes us think that we could pull one over on anyone else?

So...Does it sting?

No

Did it?

Oh yes.

I can't lie. When I found out I was mixed with emotions. Of course I was undeniably happy for her and then on the flipside, absolutely devastated for Cris and I. I took one look at his face when I told him and his eyes filled with water. He hugged me and told me, our time will come - and it will...but he clearly seen my heart beating in my throat the puddles that my eyes were forming.

It stung for many reasons. First being that I am nowhere in the right frame of mind to get pregnant. I am not emotionally stable right now with all this anxiety I am going through. Financially we have seen better days...but who hasn't in this economy?

I had this whole plan, and it fell apart. Somewhere along the lines my mind and body decided to tell me NO MORE - NOT NOW - WE NEED TIME...unfortunately my heart hasn't gotten the memo yet. I guess there is an aching that will remain with me indefinitely. I suspect this will even linger on after having children.

It stung because I found out right around the one year anniversary of my miscarriage. It stung because her due date is 1 day before my old EDD. But perhaps this is a way for me to celebrate that day, to let go of the pain that I associate with it.

It stung because we were supposed to do IVF last month, and I just couldn't go through with it. It stung because it came so unexpected and by surprise for her...and I sometimes wish in the midst of all of this chaos, that somehow it would happen that way for me...maybe someday it will...but today is not that day.

I don't admit this to many people, because let's face it, this is not about me. It is about her and her joyous time being pregnant. It was/is her time to shine..so I step aside, infertility playing second fiddle off in the distance...enjoying the moment with her.

The same friend admitted to me that she thought I would be mad at her for having had to have an abortion last month. How could I? Her body is not my own, that child was not mine, the decision was not mine to make...and while it is almost impossible to understand, despite how hard this road has been for me...I am still very much pro-choice...a stance that many women in my situation cannot fathom..but like I told my friend "My fertility has no bearings on anyone elses life"
She said she thought I was such a wonderful friend to support her and accept her decision, despite how hard it was for her to make, I know she made the right choice...if in her situation, I would have done the same. I guess hearing that from me, eased some of her pain, helped her lose some of her guilt.

At the end of the day what it boils down to is...no one has what I want, so how can I be jealous?
I don't want someone elses baby, I want MY BABY, whether biological or not, MY CHILD is what I long for, so I never envy the life of another woman - for any reason...
no one has what I desperately seek to accomplish.

A family with MY husband...and right now, our little family is suffice..although I will admit, in the quiet hours, I often think of her....it's just something I know I will always do.