The Return of The Blog

I deleted my blog a while back, as a way to let go of the past. I realize now that letting go of the past does not mean that I have to try to erase the past.
The last two years have been a really rough and tumultuous time for me and I had lost myself completely. I turned into someone I didn't even recognize anymore. Not only did I put on weight, and change on the outside, I changed on the inside, and a lot of it was not for the better.

I've gone through so much loss and pain the last two years that it would be pretty hard for most people to understand and while I would love to divulge every aspect of my situation to release it, on the internet is not the best place - for the protection of those I love, I must keep certain things at bay.

During this time, I've done a lot of damage to a lot of personal and not so personal relationships. Some I take 100% blame for, others I will not. I've done my fair share of gossiping, and I have been gossiped about - it happens - it is immature - indeed, but like I said it happens.

For a while I belonged to 3 seperate support groups, and I no longer participate in these groups. Of the groups there are few women I still speak to, those I could trust, those who seen beyond the anger and beyond the opinions, those who chose to reach out to me and say "Hey, I think you need to speak to someone" instead of talking behind my back, or turning against me completely. Some had every right to lash out at me, others just followed the trend..and that is fine...it is how the world works, and for a while I was bitter about it - but I no longer let stuff like that anchor me down in negativity.

TTC became this whole new life for me. It started to become the very essence of who I was as a person. My friends IRL now confess to me that the light in my eyes had died in the last two years and that they are starting to finally see the old me, and how much they had missed who I was before infertility, the sudden death of my father and my friend and my miscarriage ransacked my life. With each of those losses a part of me died, slowly, I am learning to put back the pieces, I am becoming whole again and for the first time in a long time - I am LIVING.

I am not one to dwell on things, so this pain lingering is very new to me. I don't like still feeling pain and anger over the loss of my father, I don't like still feeling pain and hopelessness over the loss of my baby, I don't like still feeling pain and fear over the loss of my friend...I am not used to holding on to feelings, or feeling them for so long...I used to be good at stuffing these feelings deep down, way down, to a place where all is forgotten - or so I thought.

Over the last two years I had become so argumentative, so opinionated, so "mean" in ways, and when I say mean I mean saying whatever I thought, at whatever cost, to whomever was the recipient. You know the thoughts EVERYONE has, but people keep it to themselves, well I was voicing them. Maybe I was looking for a fight? Maybe I was looking to hurt someone, anyone, because of all the hurt I was going through...maybe I was just so pissed that everyone seemed so desensitized to others emotions that it angered me...whatever it was, it was ME, a ME that I no longer care to be..a Me that I have been working on since August.

In August I hit rock bottom so to speak. I allowed someone to rip me to shreds via the internet, and I did so without reacting back, and telling her about all the secrets I knew about her, because I in no way wanted to destroy a family. I let this woman tear apart my very being with her words and I absorbed it and it affected me but in the end it affected me for the better. Because it made me physically ill, that it shed light on a very deep issue for me. This "woman" called me a lost individual..and boy was she right. I was lost, so very far from who I am as a human being, as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend...my life in 2 years led me down a road that I got stuck, and COULD NOT find the road back home to the REAL ME.
A few other things occured during the same period. I also had my first consultation with a new RE to move on to IVF. My appointment was on a Friday. Wednesday night the Panic Attacks started, the anxiety, so much so that I ran to my Doctor. She prescriped me Valiums and Lexapro...that was a hellish weekend. The Valiums did NOTHING to calm my mind. The Lexapro had the EXACT opposite effect on me and I wound up in the ER, scared out of my mind that I would wind up being admitted in the pyschiatric unit, the intense fear and shakiness I felt was beyond anything I had ever felt. I was afraid of myself, afraid I was going crazy, I didn't eat for days and lost 12lbs in 3 days. When I got to the ER, I met with a Dr. She talked to me and I told her EVERYTHING that I had been going through, everything that was said to me, and she told me I was suffering from Anxiety and having panic attacks and that I was not going crazy. She said Lexapro was not a good match for me and advised me to stop it. So of course I did. They gave me a shot in my arm of Ativan 1mg and within 5 minutes I was so relaxed, smiling, laughing, for the first time in a long time I felt LIKE ME. On the car ride home, I opened the window and let the wind flow through my hair...it had been such a long time since I could ride carefree in a car without worrying about getting into an accident. I finally felt free.

I went back to my regular Dr and she gave me Ativan 1mg pills. I was on them for a month and still struggling a bit. I had anxiety in the day time, cause I was only taking 1mg at night to relax and get some sleep. But I was getting back to me, somewhat. At my 1 month follow up she gave me a prescription for Pristiq, a mild antidepressant and upped my ativan to 2mg, but with the Pristiq I only need 1mg at night, sometimes I don't need it at all.

I am seeing a therapist 1x a week and we are making progress. It is helping me so much. We are working on a lot of my phobias. I have General Anxiety Disorder and I had no idea, but now I know, for so long I was depressed. I wasn't SAD, but empty, I always thought I had to be sad to be depressed...turns out that isn't the case.
I have a fear of flying, of driving, of death and I suffer from Agateaphobia. The last one was triggered by watching someone I love lose their mind. The first sessions we worked on my Agateaphobia, I still worry but it is getting better. Now we are working on my fear of death, because this is what is preventing me from doing a lot of things, such as IVF etc. At the the ending of it, the last thing will be working on my fear of flying, in which I must actually take a flight from NYC to Boston, round trip to graduate...the thougt sickens me - but I must do this...because I must learn to live in the NOW and not worry about what MIGHT and Probably WON'T happen.

So I guess from reading all of that you can deduce for yourself that TTC is off..because I am NOT ready. And I have no intentions of trying any time soon. I am working on ME for once, and getting back to who I used to be. I joined WW, and I am in school and going to therapy.

I am also delighted to announce that I have a niece or nephew on the way due June 11th, 2010. He/She is due the day before my Old EDD and I truly believe this happened for a reason. I was asked to be the God Mother yesterday. So for the next 2-3 yrs, I will enjoy my Godchild before embarking on having a child of my own.

and.....

Since we have stopped trying and since I have been on the meds, I have ovulated CD16 or earlier the last 2 cycles. First cycle was 31 days long, last cycle was 27 days long..and despite what they say antidepressants do to ones libido, I have never enjoyed or wanted to be intimate with husband as much as I do now. So I KNOW I am getting better every single day.

My posts from now on won't be much about TTC or having a baby..I never went back to the RE to get my immune results. I will have them faxed to me though to put away for the future in case we need to do treatments...and my thyroid is stable and normal TSH is 1. something the last 3 months. So, with that....I wish everyone ttc a stress free journey, and all the hope in the world...
and for those of you I have wronged...please understand that I wasn't Me for a long time, and I wish you could have been spared the ugliness that I allowed to take over me, but such is life and we all make mistakes, no one is perfect...but we can always aspire to be.

Peace, Love and Daisies!