Yesterday....

Yesterday I found myself writing two blogs, but totally avoiding the real feelings that were surrounding me.

Yesterday was my E.D.D of my Angel. Yesterday I would have been a Mom, whether I had my baby early or on time, yesterday I SHOULD have been holding my baby.

Instead Yesterday I cried, I slept the day away, I really checked out emotionally. I came online at night, and blogged a bit, read a bit but I wasn't really here. My heart was elsewhere, my mind wandered inside the emptiness of my heart. I have so much to be thankful for, I am truly blessed in so many ways...but is it wrong to just want to be a Mom?

In the past week while battling vertigo and panic attacks I have been having some seriously vivid dreams and all these dreams have to do with Pregnancy, children, protecting the kids and death.

There is a reason for these dreams. In one dream I was pregnant and walking down the street with my friend Tiffany. We were looking for a maternity store for me. I was very much pregnant in the dream, full belly and all. I rubbed my belly and said to her "You know, I haven't felt him move this entire pregnancy" with a worried tone in my voice. She suggested I wiggle my belly and so I did. And then that is when it happened. I got this weird butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomache followed by 3 kicks. I cried in my dream, saying it was the most incredible feeling ever - and it was, because even though it was a dream I FELT IT. I woke up knowing that feeling..how do I know that feeling? I keep wondering how we are able to know how things taste and feel in our dreams when we have never experienced them in our waking life...that's when I really truly believe in reincarnation. I know to some that may sound koo-koo and that is fine, but there are things I believe in that others might not. Reincarnation is one of them.

Anyway, the next few dreams were far too painful for me to even repeat and I would rather not. I just know that in my dreams I was not in control, death was inevitable and I think it was an illustration of the pain that still exists in my heart from my miscarriage.

I can't let this stop me, although I know I have been putting off IVF simply because I am afraid it won't work although part of me knows that it will, maybe not the first time, but eventually.

A lot of things have happened to so many of my friends, that it really made me sit with Cris and discuss our options, like how far we will go to have a child.
We've decided we will stop at nothing. We are very much open to donor sperm, donor eggs, both donor eggs and sperm, surrogacy, adoption (domestic), and possibly international adoption although I think there are plenty of children in the US that need homes.

We have also decided that when we are done having children we are going to donate our embryos to a couple who cannot have their own children. A lot of our family doesn't agree with this, and that is fine, but they have never experienced the pain of infertility and if my journey can help someone else in the long run - then that is what I was called to do. I know I have a bigger purpose in life, there is a reason for all of this...and perhaps that is it.

So with that, I wanted to end my entry with a note to my sweet baby that almost was...

"I often think of you, in times of quietness when no one is around. When I see children playing in a park, I wonder if your smile would look like theirs. Would you laugh at the monkeys at the zoo, or clap with the seals at the aquarium? Would you be quiet like Daddy or talkative like Mommy? Would you and Daisy fall asleep together on the couch? Would your eyes be blue or brown? Woudl you be blonde or brunette or even redhead like Mommy's family? What would you have grown up to be?
Of all the things I wish I would have known about you, I think I will always miss that I never had the chance to see your face and hear you laugh. To smell the top of your head, feel your hand grasp my finger, to inhale your breath and to wipe away your tears. I don't think I will ever stop wondering about you or missing you, the hurt will lessen over time, but I think that no matter what, in the quiet moments that exist between myself and God, that's when I will hear your laughter, although unfamiliar, I will know it was you. I love you and you will always be the hope that keeps me going..the promise of a future...the gift of perserverence.."